During the last month, I haven’t been feeling amazing. I’ve experienced a totally unexplained increase in MS symptoms. This is very perplexing since I’ve stuck to my routine one hundred percent. I’ve religiously engaged in all of the healing protocols and therapies that have always worked. That includes HBOT, IVs, Keto Diet, daily walks, healthy amounts of sleep, and gentle movement.
What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
One thing that keeps coming up while I’m resting and recuperating is dealing with people while I’m ill. How people react when you don’t feel well can be a very tricky thing. While everyone means well, not everyone knows the most appropriate thing to say. That’s why I’m writing this guide on What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick.
Best of Intentions in a Tricky Situation
In my experience, people have the best of intentions and no one wants to say something hurtful. But when we are sick, we feel uncomfortable in our bodies, and our friends and loved ones can pick up on that. They may even internalize our discomfort and feel off balance themselves.
You’re So Lucky!
When I start to feel an increase in symptoms, the first thing I do is increase rest and decrease stress. I cancel as much as I can so that I can listen to my body and rest when I feel tired. Still, a month later I’m in the same boat with the same symptoms. Very frustrating, but I’m determined to get well and feel even better than I did before this started. So you can imagine my surprise when someone told me I was “so lucky” to get to rest. Trust me, I’d rather be writing books for you and going on a long book tour than stay cooped up in my house dealing with MS symptoms.
But You Look Fine
If you’ve heard the term “Invisible Disability” you probably know better than to say “you look fine” to someone who’s feeling sick and under the weather. A more supportive comment might be, “You look great, but I hear that there’s a lot more to it than that and that you’re suffering right now.”
You’re Feeling Better!
Some friends want you to feel better so badly that every time they see you they say, “you’re feeling better?!” It comes out as more of a statement than a question. That’s because they’re so scared for you that they feel tremendous anxiety within themselves. This means they care, even if they don’t say the right thing. This reaction is about them and has nothing to do with you, so there’s no need to take it personally.
I Thought Those Were Spa Treatments
Recently, when asking about HBOT, someone said to me, “I thought those were spa treatments.” Anything that minimizes a person’s healing path is not a supportive comment and is most likely better left unsaid. Again, this is about the other person, not about you!
Giving Advice
Giving advice is a tricky thing. And it’s best not to give advice even if you have fantastic intentions. Remember, someone who is sick is dealing with a lot of people, not just you. Multiply your advice x100 people, plus medical professionals, and healers, and then reconsider. If you can’t refrain from giving advice, look inside to see whether your impulse is coming from a compulsion. If it’s not, you’ll easily be able to let it go.
Asking About Symptoms
This is another challenging topic. Don’t ask people who are sick about their symptoms. This might seem like common sense to most people, but again, common sense can be lost when people are nervous or uncomfortable.
What to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
More people than ever that I know are sick right now. All of these folks have friends and loved ones that don’t know what to say to them because dealing with illness is AWKWARD and makes people very uncomfortable. It’s a bit of a taboo subject like sex, politics, and money. I’m writing this to give you perspective from the inside, and help everyone communicate better!
The Perfect Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
Thankfully, all of the above comments are very minimal in comparison to the incredibly supportive network I have of people who know how to say the perfect thing in this situation. My husband somehow knows exactly what to say every time. Additionally, we have friends who send over notes like this, “I’m so sorry you are feeling bad. How frustrating for you. If you ever just want me to pick up lunch and come over or take a walk let me know. I’m good at last minute plans. Hope you feel better soon.” That is the perfect thing to say to someone who’s feeling sick!
If you’re not feeling well, or have experienced illness, what helpful or unhelpful things have people said to you? Leave a comment and let me know!
Angela says
Hi Elana!
I know only too well the UNhelpful comments that people make whether they are trying to be helpful or not. I love the site – butyoudontlooksick dot com. I have printed of the article, “The Spoon Theory” and given it to many people. It helps the people who are open to understanding chronic illness but I had to face the fact that some people are not really interested in understanding for a variety of reasons…
I hope that you feel better real soon!!!
Angela
Elana says
Angela, thanks so much for your tremendously astute comment :-)
Linda says
vitamin D deficiency http://healthfocusblog.com/vitamin-d-deficiency-risk-factors-causes-signs-treatments/
Elana says
Linda, I wrote about that in 2012:
https://elanaspantry.com/natural-treatments-for-multiple-sclerosis/
Have a wonderful day!
Elana
Ruth Hirsch says
Dear Elana,
I am so sorry you are having symptoms and not feeling as well as you would like.
two pieces: one: re: giving advice: It seems to me folks do not mean to intrude when they give advice– though they tend to.
Most people do not like un invited advice/input.
A good discipline is to first ask: ‘Would you like some input?’
Or: ‘would you like some advice?’ This gives the potential recipient the choice– and helps the advice offer-er know whether they are invited.
And I would love to hear how others who are having health issues talk about them.
Like Damselfydiary, I have preferred to minimize my own health stuff. Not as doable now that I have escalated symptoms.
So I am not used talking about my own health, and feel very awkward when it comes up. When I’m fine, it’s easy to just be fine. When I’m not, I am not sure whether I want to address my health. Overall, I find it is situational: who am I with.
warm best wishes for moments of peace, joy and delight,
ruth
Elana says
Ruth, thanks for your wonderful comment! It has been so amazing to get to know you here over the years! I can relate to everything you say here, and I too ask folks (even my husband and the boys), “would you like feedback?” before I offer ANYTHING. I’m so very lucky to be on this healing path with you. Thanks for being here :-)
Cherrlyn says
Thank you for the great tip to ask if someone wants feedback.
My sister uses another technique when someone offers her unwanted advice. She says, “Thank you, I’ll think about that.” For her, it serves to minimize the potential negative on both sides of the conversation.
Also, thank you, Elana, for all you do for us. I, too, have recently had unexplained setbacks, so what you wrote helped me feel like I wasn’t alone. Thank you.
Elana says
Cherrlyn, I really like your sister’s strategy. I am sorry to hear about the unexplained setbacks, I know how frustrating that can be. I feel very lucky to be on this healing path with you and hope you’ll stay in touch here :-)
Deb says
Thank you for your inspirational message. I wish you health and healing soon. Glad you are blessed with support from family and friends. I will remember not to make it about me. Best to be serendipitous, without asking I will just do simple things , without being too intrusive. Hopefully that will help my friends and family. ?
Elana says
Deb, you sound like a darling gem, thanks for your wonderful comment!
Rosemarie Russell says
Thank you so much for posting this. I am very sorry you are ill. I suffer from multiple auto immune problems and I am feeling weak at this time. All of the comments here have been helpful. I have enjoyed your recipes and health information for years. I have always found comfort here. My husband is understanding and kind. I must learn to resist giving advice. On the issue of EMF’s, 5G may have frequencies our meters cannot read. I have measured levels in my area for several years and the signal strength has gone from -62 dBm to -27dBm on average. Cell towers, small cells, wi-fi, dect phones and so called “smart meters” have all contributed to higher levels.
Elana says
Rosemarie, thank you SO much for mentioning this! I am going to have my EMF consultant come to the house to re-measure. My meters are not as high-end as his :-)
Joan Seliger Sidney says
Dear Elana,
Thank you for being an excellent role-model even when MS rears its nasty head.
Healing wishes always,
Joan
Elana says
Joan, thanks for your incredible comment!
SE says
I’m so sorry this is happening. I had a terminally ill nephew and the best things that we found were people who would help with tangible things – in your case with a special diet it might not work, but drop by food, offer to take the dog for a walk, pick up a child st school, drove someone to an appointment. – you get the idea. My sister hated when people would say call me if you need anything.
Elana says
SE, great point, totally agree!
Laurie says
I took care of my precious Aunt who was quite sick for years but always looked fantastic because she religiously had her hair done twice a week and had beautiful blue eyes and fair complexion. People, even doctors and nurses, always said to her “well you don’t look sick, you look great”. She always joked with me that when she died she was gonna put on her headstone “I told you I was sick!”
Thank you for this insight!
Elana says
Laurie, you made me laugh! Thanks for your amazing comment :-)
Mary Himmer says
And Elana, you are still reaching out to us despite feeling under the weather. I so enjoy your recipes. Thank you for all you do and for sharing your journey.
Elana says
Mary, and you are reaching right back which makes my heart so full. I am so lucky we are on this healing journey together :-)
Natascha says
Elana, AMEN to this one! I struggle so much with people telling me “you look great though!”. Ugh.
Thanks for sharing!
Elana says
Natascha, right there with you :-)
damselflydiary says
I actually had a very, very close friend call my husband, crying mind you, saying that she was so upset because she didn’t know what I was dealing with and felt bad that I hadn’t told her what was going on with my health! Talk about making it all about herself and not me.
I intentionally don’t talk much about my health challenges. Most people really don’t want to know and I do NOT want that to be my identity. A lot of people I know don’t even know something is wrong, or if they do, they don’t know what exactly. It is RARE for me to bring it up.
This strategy also helps avoid a lot of the unsolicited advice and unhelpful comments. Most people mean well, but that doesn’t mean their comments aren’t hurtful or condescending or dismissive.
Elana, thanks for bringing up this somewhat taboo topic!
Elana says
Thanks Damselfly! I love your strategy :-)