During the last month, I haven’t been feeling amazing. I’ve experienced a totally unexplained increase in MS symptoms. This is very perplexing since I’ve stuck to my routine one hundred percent. I’ve religiously engaged in all of the healing protocols and therapies that have always worked. That includes HBOT, IVs, Keto Diet, daily walks, healthy amounts of sleep, and gentle movement.
What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
One thing that keeps coming up while I’m resting and recuperating is dealing with people while I’m ill. How people react when you don’t feel well can be a very tricky thing. While everyone means well, not everyone knows the most appropriate thing to say. That’s why I’m writing this guide on What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick.
Best of Intentions in a Tricky Situation
In my experience, people have the best of intentions and no one wants to say something hurtful. But when we are sick, we feel uncomfortable in our bodies, and our friends and loved ones can pick up on that. They may even internalize our discomfort and feel off balance themselves.
You’re So Lucky!
When I start to feel an increase in symptoms, the first thing I do is increase rest and decrease stress. I cancel as much as I can so that I can listen to my body and rest when I feel tired. Still, a month later I’m in the same boat with the same symptoms. Very frustrating, but I’m determined to get well and feel even better than I did before this started. So you can imagine my surprise when someone told me I was “so lucky” to get to rest. Trust me, I’d rather be writing books for you and going on a long book tour than stay cooped up in my house dealing with MS symptoms.
But You Look Fine
If you’ve heard the term “Invisible Disability” you probably know better than to say “you look fine” to someone who’s feeling sick and under the weather. A more supportive comment might be, “You look great, but I hear that there’s a lot more to it than that and that you’re suffering right now.”
You’re Feeling Better!
Some friends want you to feel better so badly that every time they see you they say, “you’re feeling better?!” It comes out as more of a statement than a question. That’s because they’re so scared for you that they feel tremendous anxiety within themselves. This means they care, even if they don’t say the right thing. This reaction is about them and has nothing to do with you, so there’s no need to take it personally.
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I Thought Those Were Spa Treatments
Recently, when asking about HBOT, someone said to me, “I thought those were spa treatments.” Anything that minimizes a person’s healing path is not a supportive comment and is most likely better left unsaid. Again, this is about the other person, not about you!
Giving Advice
Giving advice is a tricky thing. And it’s best not to give advice even if you have fantastic intentions. Remember, someone who is sick is dealing with a lot of people, not just you. Multiply your advice x100 people, plus medical professionals, and healers, and then reconsider. If you can’t refrain from giving advice, look inside to see whether your impulse is coming from a compulsion. If it’s not, you’ll easily be able to let it go.
Asking About Symptoms
This is another challenging topic. Don’t ask people who are sick about their symptoms. This might seem like common sense to most people, but again, common sense can be lost when people are nervous or uncomfortable.
What to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
More people than ever that I know are sick right now. All of these folks have friends and loved ones that don’t know what to say to them because dealing with illness is AWKWARD and makes people very uncomfortable. It’s a bit of a taboo subject like sex, politics, and money. I’m writing this to give you perspective from the inside, and help everyone communicate better!
The Perfect Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
Thankfully, all of the above comments are very minimal in comparison to the incredibly supportive network I have of people who know how to say the perfect thing in this situation. My husband somehow knows exactly what to say every time. Additionally, we have friends who send over notes like this, “I’m so sorry you are feeling bad. How frustrating for you. If you ever just want me to pick up lunch and come over or take a walk let me know. I’m good at last minute plans. Hope you feel better soon.” That is the perfect thing to say to someone who’s feeling sick!
If you’re not feeling well, or have experienced illness, what helpful or unhelpful things have people said to you? Leave a comment and let me know!
Evie says
Wonderfully frank article, thank you for sharing, sending positive vibes and love your way ? I found when I became peri menopausal and then dreaded menopause my ms symptoms annoyingly really increased (I’m 52) so perhaps hormonal for you too ?? I have avoided HRT since I’ve two sisters with a history of breast cancer.
Keep winning doll??
#troopers #WhoRunTheWorld
Elana says
Thanks Evie!
Mary Katka says
Your post was truly helpful in so many situations I encounter regularly both for myself and for those around me that are facing serious health challenges. I think the one that meant the most to me is that people see the exterior as looking healthy and well and they have no idea of what is going on inside. It is both a blessing and a curse.
I am so impressed with your courage to reach out to all of us when you are working at returning to better days. I can only say that I am adding you to my prayer list and will be holding you up every day. My prayer is that you will feel the warmth of hugs and love filling you up.
Thank you again for posting!
Elana says
Mary, I’m so happy to hear that this post was truly helpful to you! Thanks so much for adding me to your prayer list, that means the world to me. I am so blessed to be on this healing journey with you :-)
Ann Sheedy says
Thank you Elana for being inspirational gutsy loving and so many other adjectives. Prayers for your recovery Fondly. Ann Sheedy
Elana says
Ann, I’m so grateful for your prayers :-)
Shannon says
Hi Elana,
I have not read through all of the comments so I may repeat what others have said. Dealing with an autoimmune disease is so challenging and what works for one may not work for another. I am sorry to hear that you are having a flair up and that there seems to be no rhyme or reason. For me that is so difficult when I feel as though I doing what I’m supposed to and my body still is not responding well.
I am very thankful for you, your blog and the work that you do.
Praying for your health.
Elana says
Shannon, thank you for your incredible comment and for your prayers for my health. I’m so grateful for you :-)
Carol Polacek says
Elana, thank you for this piece. As is true for so many readers, you have been SUCH an inspiration to me over the past three years as I’ve worked to regain my health from a diagnosis of Celiac’s. Your article reminds me that words are clumsy and a poor substitute for a hug or a batch of homemade broth. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Elana says
Carol, what an amazing comment, you are so incredibly articulate. Indeed, words are clumsy, so well said. Thank you :-)
Paula says
Thank you for this open and honest post. I am hoping my husband can just forward it along to anyone asking him about my health problems – the unsolicited advice is the worst! I was diagnosed with a severe femoral neck stress fracture in July that has shown no signs of healing, but as my doctors point out is not worse. I see several medical professionals who work with me and just because they don’t know why I am not getting better it doesn’t mean I would like others to give me diet advice, stress reduction advice or to constantly ask if I’m feeling better yet or still in pain (which often I am and if I answer honestly others than are either visibly uncomfortable and chance the subject, try to downplay the situation, or offer more unwanted suggestions .) I know others care but so frustrating!
Warm wishes,
Paula
Elana says
Paula, thanks for sharing your story here, I really appreciate it. I’m so glad that we are on this healing path together :-)
Rebecca REynolds says
Oh Elana,
I’m so sorry to hear that you have had a setback. Please know that I am praying for you to get back on your feet and in the swing of things soon. Hugs to you.
Elana says
Rebecca, thank you for your kind words, prayers, and hugs! What more could a person ask for? Nothing :-)
MsGF says
What a fabulous post. I will share it with my loved ones :-) I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (a disease with a mind of it’s own) and well meaning people say awkward things to me sometimes too. I think you are right, our illness’s make other’s uncomfortable, that’s a very good way of wording it. I wish you well, take care of yourself first and foremost. Sending blessings and love. Enjoy cuddling with your kitty :-) Hoping you feel better soon.
Elana says
MsGF, I’m thrilled to hear that this post is helpful and that you will share it with your loved ones! Thanks for your blessings and love and I send all the same right back to you my dear :-)
Marlana says
I hope that your symptoms improve soon. I did like this blog post. You gave me a lot of great ideas about what not to say when someone is chronically ill.
Elana says
Marlana, I’m so happy that this blog post was helpful to you! And thanks for your thoughts about my health :-)
Susan Cuss says
Elana, I’m sorry you’ve not been well, and I do hope the cause is quickly found, and you’ll be feeling better soon. I enjoyed your post, and have been on the receiving side of such unhelpful advice, even from my close family members who just don’t seem to get it that several autoimmune diseases can impact my health so drastically from one day to the next. It can be frustrating and make me feel as though they think I’m making excuses for just being lazy when, in fact, I’ve hit a brick wall and have just run out of energy. Or I just don’t feel up to doing the housework, let alone going for a hike, because surely getting more fresh air and exercise can only help, right? Even though my body is screaming with pain, and I need sometimes one or two canes just to get around, no doubt I need to get up off the couch and do a power walk! Aaarrrgggh! Okay, enough of that! I try to remember that they are not walking my path (for which I am thankful) so I take big, deep breaths, and move on. Sometimes I try to educate, but sometimes they just don’t want to know.
I tried to find a piece written and shared with my PBC group about dealing with fatigue caused by illness, but I couldn’t find it. One idea shared to explain fatigue to another was: that those people who have an illness or disease wake up every morning with a limited amount of energy in their energy bank, and each day the volume may be different than the day before. Each activity, like making the bed or doing the dishes, takes 1/2 cup of energy from the bank. And since the person cannot see the level of energy in the bank, they don’t know how much they can do that day, nor can they project how much energy is in the bank tomorrow or the next week. Once they use up all the day’s energy in the bank, they are too fatigued to do more. I think it’s a good explanation.
I wish for you improved health going forward, and mostly good days ahead. Take care.
Elana says
Susan, I really loved reading your comment, you share so many astute, amazing observations. Everyone with an autoimmune condition can relate to your point about hitting a brick wall and running out of energy. Also love the analogy of the energy bank, that is one of my favorites. I too wish you improved health going forward and good days ahead. Thanks for being on this healing path with me :-)
Sherri HM says
Thank you so very much for posting this. It’s very good to hear from someone who is dealing with issues and not just from someone who hasn’t been there. That being said, I’m very sorry for you not feeling well. I hoping you can get all the help you need and that it will be successful.
Elana says
Sherri, thanks for your lovely comment and for your kind words. Very grateful for you :-)