During the last month, I haven’t been feeling amazing. I’ve experienced a totally unexplained increase in MS symptoms. This is very perplexing since I’ve stuck to my routine one hundred percent. I’ve religiously engaged in all of the healing protocols and therapies that have always worked. That includes HBOT, IVs, Keto Diet, daily walks, healthy amounts of sleep, and gentle movement.
What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
One thing that keeps coming up while I’m resting and recuperating is dealing with people while I’m ill. How people react when you don’t feel well can be a very tricky thing. While everyone means well, not everyone knows the most appropriate thing to say. That’s why I’m writing this guide on What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick.
Best of Intentions in a Tricky Situation
In my experience, people have the best of intentions and no one wants to say something hurtful. But when we are sick, we feel uncomfortable in our bodies, and our friends and loved ones can pick up on that. They may even internalize our discomfort and feel off balance themselves.
You’re So Lucky!
When I start to feel an increase in symptoms, the first thing I do is increase rest and decrease stress. I cancel as much as I can so that I can listen to my body and rest when I feel tired. Still, a month later I’m in the same boat with the same symptoms. Very frustrating, but I’m determined to get well and feel even better than I did before this started. So you can imagine my surprise when someone told me I was “so lucky” to get to rest. Trust me, I’d rather be writing books for you and going on a long book tour than stay cooped up in my house dealing with MS symptoms.
But You Look Fine
If you’ve heard the term “Invisible Disability” you probably know better than to say “you look fine” to someone who’s feeling sick and under the weather. A more supportive comment might be, “You look great, but I hear that there’s a lot more to it than that and that you’re suffering right now.”
You’re Feeling Better!
Some friends want you to feel better so badly that every time they see you they say, “you’re feeling better?!” It comes out as more of a statement than a question. That’s because they’re so scared for you that they feel tremendous anxiety within themselves. This means they care, even if they don’t say the right thing. This reaction is about them and has nothing to do with you, so there’s no need to take it personally.
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I Thought Those Were Spa Treatments
Recently, when asking about HBOT, someone said to me, “I thought those were spa treatments.” Anything that minimizes a person’s healing path is not a supportive comment and is most likely better left unsaid. Again, this is about the other person, not about you!
Giving Advice
Giving advice is a tricky thing. And it’s best not to give advice even if you have fantastic intentions. Remember, someone who is sick is dealing with a lot of people, not just you. Multiply your advice x100 people, plus medical professionals, and healers, and then reconsider. If you can’t refrain from giving advice, look inside to see whether your impulse is coming from a compulsion. If it’s not, you’ll easily be able to let it go.
Asking About Symptoms
This is another challenging topic. Don’t ask people who are sick about their symptoms. This might seem like common sense to most people, but again, common sense can be lost when people are nervous or uncomfortable.
What to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
More people than ever that I know are sick right now. All of these folks have friends and loved ones that don’t know what to say to them because dealing with illness is AWKWARD and makes people very uncomfortable. It’s a bit of a taboo subject like sex, politics, and money. I’m writing this to give you perspective from the inside, and help everyone communicate better!
The Perfect Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
Thankfully, all of the above comments are very minimal in comparison to the incredibly supportive network I have of people who know how to say the perfect thing in this situation. My husband somehow knows exactly what to say every time. Additionally, we have friends who send over notes like this, “I’m so sorry you are feeling bad. How frustrating for you. If you ever just want me to pick up lunch and come over or take a walk let me know. I’m good at last minute plans. Hope you feel better soon.” That is the perfect thing to say to someone who’s feeling sick!
If you’re not feeling well, or have experienced illness, what helpful or unhelpful things have people said to you? Leave a comment and let me know!
Sondry Behn says
I am glad that you are back home, I am wishing you a speedy recovery!
Elana says
Sondry, thanks so much for your well wishes!
Heather says
Elana –
I am so sorry you’re not feeing well right now. You’re always on my mind and close to my heart especially at Thanksgiving as I always make your pumpkin pie, pumpkin bars, veggie quiche, savory crust and other yummies.
Know that I am thankful for all that you do and have done for us readers and followers. You are in my prayers.
Elana says
Heather, thanks for your sweet comment! I’m so grateful for your prayers :-)
Kathy Marsden says
I appreciate this safe place you have created for everyone to be honest and transparent about the realities of health challenges. I am amazed at it and find it refreshing. I read your post then the comments also. It is encouraging to me in my current phase of my health journey to read this today. Thank you for taking the time and energy to write this thoughtful/loving article.
Blessings on your day-
Also, thank you for your part in our healthier journey. I am afraid I take your cookbooks for granted anymore–they are simply part of our lifestyle-we use your books so often-. You are showing us how it is done in so many ways-including today.
Elana says
Kathy, thanks for your incredibly generous and beautiful comment! I am so grateful for you :-)
Faigie says
Hi, I have also been one of those people that have spent many years not feeling well on & off… tried diets… etc etc. It was recently suggested to me by my nutritionist to read the works of Dr. Sarno. It is absolutely fascinating stuff & I along with another friend in the same situation have started seeing some results. Mind, body prescription & The Divided Mind are probably the best ones to read. You might want to check it out
Elana says
Faigie, I started reading his books in the 1990’s, Sarno’s work is fantastic.
Cynthia Bennett says
I have Parkinson’s Disease which seems to be so different for so many people. Everyone thinks that shaking is the way PD patients are. Well, luckily I do not have much trouble with tremors. I do have terrible orthostatic hypotension, sleep difficulties, fatigue and constant intestinal discomfort. I also am dealing with low back pain (L4-5) which affects my right leg from hip to ankle and right knee arthritis. I will be getting a knee replacement in January.
The trouble is that I never feel good. It’s so difficult when people ask me how I’m doing. I don’t want to say I don’t feel good all the time. I try to day things like “Oh, just the same.”
So many times when I’m talking on the phone they say Oh you sound so much better. Well, I’m not. I just have had no energy to do anything other than sit on the couch watching TV or reading a book.
I am trying to exercise a little and walk a little each day. I started a Paleo diet about 4 months ago especially for the anti-inflammatory benefits. I’ve lost a little weight but I don’t see much else different. I never enjoyed cooking or baking so I am getting tired of my limited food choices. It’s difficult for me to stand up for any length of time so baking becomes even more difficult. I’ve been collecting recipes, but I need to get my act together and actually try to make them. Thanks for all your recipes and sharing your personal difficulties. I love what your recipes sound like. I wish I could buy them ready made.
Thank you.
Cindy Bennett
Elana says
Cindy, thanks for sharing your story here. I am glad we are on this healing journey together and hope you’ll keep me posted on how you’re doing. If you like I’d be happy to let you know what my easiest recipes are, just let me know :-)
(Elaine) Alyne Penco says
Sorry to hear your not feeling good, I do hope you improve and will send warm energizing thoughts and prayers your way. I have so enjoyed your recipes and various articles over the past few years. Take care of yourself, people like you are needed in this world to remind us to keep positive, listen to our bodies and do what is right for us when it is needed. Alyne
Elana says
Alyne, what a beautiful comment full of so much loving kindness! You made my day :-)
susan strumpf says
Thank you for this post and all that you give to so many through your books, research, sharing. My family ups the statistics of tendencies being inherited. We haven’t lived together for 45 years but my brother and I have celiac (probably everyone else too but they won’t get tested), father had MS, sister has acquired Lupus, I have Myasthenia Gravis. I can relate to the part about everyone saying we look good. -Invisible Disabilities.org validates that. For years my own family insisted that I don’t have Myasthenia Gravis because I look ok? except when my eyes don’t work together! I decided not to spend my energy trying to convince others. It takes a great deal of forgiveness, self-care, self-trust and positive affirmations for me to feel positive and thankful some days. The support I feel from people like you and all those who follow you is a gift. Thank you~
Sending prayers and positive energy to you in recovering from this temporary set-back
Elana says
Susan, thanks for sharing your story here, you are very inspiring! So many of us can relate to your statement that, “It takes a great deal of forgiveness, self-care, self-trust and positive affirmations for me to feel positive.” We are right here with you going through this. Thanks for being on this healing journey with me :-)
John Hannon says
Hi Elana
I’m sorry to hear that you are not so good at the moment. I thought of you this morning when I was making a loaf of your Paleo Bread. I hope you recover your joie de vivre very soon.
By the way, I have a good friend with MS who is working with a health coach on the Wahls Protocol, for which she has high hopes. Let’s hope it works for her.
John
Elana says
John, thanks for your comment! I wrote about the Wahls Protocol here in 2012:
https://elanaspantry.com/natural-treatments-for-multiple-sclerosis/
Have a great day!
Elana
Joy Pulitzer says
I was sad to read this and am so sorry you’ve not felt well, Elana. Wishing you relief and good health, hopefully very soon.
Elana says
Joy, thanks so much for your well wishes :-)
Hilary says
Dear Elana,
I’m so sorry you sre not feeling well! I understand and it is hard to explain to others who don’t have autoimmune issues. I wish I could explain it to them and even then sometimes I don’t know why some days I feel good and some days not so good.
I want you to know that you help the rest of us, even when you are resting! First by reminding us that we need to rest and by your recipes. I just used your shallot tart crust recipe (sans shallots) for pie crust this morning and made your pumpkin bars last week!
Take care,
Hilary
Elana says
Hilary, thanks so much for your very sweet and thoughtful words :-)
Moriah says
So very sorry to hear you’re not doing well. I, too, understand the frustration of doing everything right but then suddenly you’re body not responding. And, to add to that frustration, not being able to tell others the reasons why. I will be praying for you.
I think one of the most helpful things we’ve ever been told was by my som’s pediatric endocrinologist. My son was dx’d w/T1 diabetes at the age of four. Diabetes is another relentless illness. And, way too often, we had no idea as to why Z’s blood sugars were going askew despite no changes. The physician said to our son, “Do not ever think you are your numbers. If you have good numbers, that means you’re good. And if you have bad numbers, you are bad. Numbers are just numbers. You are much more than just a number. You’re identity is not your disease.”
Elana says
Moriah, every now and then our paths cross with a doctor who is a true healer. It sounds like your son’s doctor is one of those. Thanks so much for sharing your family’s story here :-)