During the last month, I haven’t been feeling amazing. I’ve experienced a totally unexplained increase in MS symptoms. This is very perplexing since I’ve stuck to my routine one hundred percent. I’ve religiously engaged in all of the healing protocols and therapies that have always worked. That includes HBOT, IVs, Keto Diet, daily walks, healthy amounts of sleep, and gentle movement.
What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
One thing that keeps coming up while I’m resting and recuperating is dealing with people while I’m ill. How people react when you don’t feel well can be a very tricky thing. While everyone means well, not everyone knows the most appropriate thing to say. That’s why I’m writing this guide on What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick.
Best of Intentions in a Tricky Situation
In my experience, people have the best of intentions and no one wants to say something hurtful. But when we are sick, we feel uncomfortable in our bodies, and our friends and loved ones can pick up on that. They may even internalize our discomfort and feel off balance themselves.
You’re So Lucky!
When I start to feel an increase in symptoms, the first thing I do is increase rest and decrease stress. I cancel as much as I can so that I can listen to my body and rest when I feel tired. Still, a month later I’m in the same boat with the same symptoms. Very frustrating, but I’m determined to get well and feel even better than I did before this started. So you can imagine my surprise when someone told me I was “so lucky” to get to rest. Trust me, I’d rather be writing books for you and going on a long book tour than stay cooped up in my house dealing with MS symptoms.
But You Look Fine
If you’ve heard the term “Invisible Disability” you probably know better than to say “you look fine” to someone who’s feeling sick and under the weather. A more supportive comment might be, “You look great, but I hear that there’s a lot more to it than that and that you’re suffering right now.”
You’re Feeling Better!
Some friends want you to feel better so badly that every time they see you they say, “you’re feeling better?!” It comes out as more of a statement than a question. That’s because they’re so scared for you that they feel tremendous anxiety within themselves. This means they care, even if they don’t say the right thing. This reaction is about them and has nothing to do with you, so there’s no need to take it personally.
I Thought Those Were Spa Treatments
Recently, when asking about HBOT, someone said to me, “I thought those were spa treatments.” Anything that minimizes a person’s healing path is not a supportive comment and is most likely better left unsaid. Again, this is about the other person, not about you!
Giving Advice
Giving advice is a tricky thing. And it’s best not to give advice even if you have fantastic intentions. Remember, someone who is sick is dealing with a lot of people, not just you. Multiply your advice x100 people, plus medical professionals, and healers, and then reconsider. If you can’t refrain from giving advice, look inside to see whether your impulse is coming from a compulsion. If it’s not, you’ll easily be able to let it go.
Asking About Symptoms
This is another challenging topic. Don’t ask people who are sick about their symptoms. This might seem like common sense to most people, but again, common sense can be lost when people are nervous or uncomfortable.
What to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
More people than ever that I know are sick right now. All of these folks have friends and loved ones that don’t know what to say to them because dealing with illness is AWKWARD and makes people very uncomfortable. It’s a bit of a taboo subject like sex, politics, and money. I’m writing this to give you perspective from the inside, and help everyone communicate better!
The Perfect Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
Thankfully, all of the above comments are very minimal in comparison to the incredibly supportive network I have of people who know how to say the perfect thing in this situation. My husband somehow knows exactly what to say every time. Additionally, we have friends who send over notes like this, “I’m so sorry you are feeling bad. How frustrating for you. If you ever just want me to pick up lunch and come over or take a walk let me know. I’m good at last minute plans. Hope you feel better soon.” That is the perfect thing to say to someone who’s feeling sick!
If you’re not feeling well, or have experienced illness, what helpful or unhelpful things have people said to you? Leave a comment and let me know!
Pam says
Amen! I’m so glad you wrote this. I’ve been recovering from surgery and people have been amazing in their own way trying to be supportive. But I learned something from Sheryl Sandberg’s book Option B. She writes to never say “I’m here for you, anything you need”. That puts the burden on the person trying to recover, and most of us, including me, will NEVER ask for anything, no matter how many times they say that. Instead, just show up and do something to help the person in need. Bring food, groceries, sit with them, do their laundry, you decide, but never make them ask. It’s very hard for any of us to ask for help, even in a time of need. My very best friends, just show up, and it’s wonderful.
Elana says
Pam, thanks for pointing this out! I totally agree :-)
PAMELA says
Elana, I am sending my prayers and wellness thoughts your way. They are already activated in my mind, because, I, too, am having an exacerbation of symptoms. In fact, I’m beginning to hate Novembers [smiling here, anyway!!!] May I thank you for your amazing work; it has been extraordinarily helpful to me and to my daughter-in-law. You are my hero! And right now, you deserve a rest, a break from those efforts, so I hope you have a wonderful, thoroughly restful few days. Blessings to you and to your family; you are astonishing people.
Elana says
Pamela, your comment made me smile AND made my heart so full. I am truly blessed to be on this healing journey with you :-)
Gayle Brosnan-Watters says
I so agree! The worse thing you can say is “call if you need anything.”
No one is ever going to call, and it tells me you don’t REALLY care!
Gayle
JANE FELLMAN says
I REGRET TO BE BREAKING A RULE SO QUICKLY BY GIVING ADVICE. I DO NOT KNOW THE ELEVATION OF BOULDER(?) CO AND SHOULD LOOK BEFORE WRITING THIS BUT I AM AFRAID THE LETTER TO YOU WILL BECOME LOST AMIDST OTHER CONCERNS IF NOT WRITTEN RIGHT NOW.
I AM LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF HIGH ELEVATION AND ILLNESSES RELATED TO THAT. I HAVE HEARD OF TWO: CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE AFTER 4,300 FT FROM A FRIEND IN CUENCA ECUADOR, AND DANGEROUS, DEPRESSION FROM THE SISTER OF A FRIEND WHO LIVED IN AN HIGH ELEVATION CITY IN COLORADO. DO NOT KNOW THE DETAILS OF EITHER…
I TOO ADMIRE YOU. YOU CARE ABOUT OUR HEALTH CONCERNS BEYOND OUR EATING IN A HEALTHY FASHION. YOU ARE STRONG MINDED, DETAIL ORIENTED, EXPERIENCED FROM ANOTHER PROFESSION AND HEART CENTERED. YOU ARE SERVING THE “REPAIR OF THE WORLD.”
Elana says
Thanks Jane!
Angela Sommers says
Oh Elana, thank you so much for this post! I wish I lived close enough to take you some lunch or do some errands for you! Or just bring you some flowers….help in your garden…
I can so relate to your words!
I don’t have allergies, but I have heart issues that have been going on for years, and that have been hard to pinpoint, and all the things you listed as not to say, have been, and are still being said to me on a daily basis. Everyone that says it has the best intentions, but make me feel worse because it makes me feel like I am some sort of postmenopausal hypochondriac (which my cardiologist assures me I am not.)
Anyway, thank you for brightening my day with your post!
I wish you all the best, most of all that you will be able to feel better soon!
Angela
Elana says
Angela, thanks so much for your adorable comment! You made me smile :-)
Shannon E Timmons says
Hi Elana.
I follow your blog because I”m also following a keto diet for health. I so appreciate all that you contribute to the Keto Community. I’m a cancer survivor, and my 16 y/o Son beat cancer when he was two, so we know a bit about health struggles and people’s reaction to sickness.
This post was somewhat off-putting to me. Basically, most people have good intentions so why can’t you just thank them for their comments/concerns instead of dissecting them? It isn’t their job to know just what to say to you. We are all different, and when I was sick, I DID NOT want people always offering to help. It made me feel helpless.
You repeated several times that ‘it’s about them”. No, this article is about you and your preferences.
I’m truly sorry that you aren’t feeling well, but give people a break. Rather than criticize their concern, you might feel better by being thankful there are people who are in your life offering you support, no matter how ‘wrong’ you think they are doing it. There are many sick people with no friends or family.
I don’t think you’ll let this post through, but I wanted to express my point of view as a former cancer patient, and the Mom of a 2-year old with cancer.
Elana says
Shannon, I am so happy to let your comment through, your feedback is very valuable to me. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your opinion and feelings here! I think it’s so important that we all work together to make what can be a very uncomfortable situation for everyone a little more ease full :-)
Giedre says
This post is for Shannon,
Shannon, when I read your comment part of me agreed on it. So I went and reread Elanas post and actually I don’t think now she is just picking on people. Is it wrong to try to help others to learn? Nurses and other health practitioners always get lectures what to say or not to say to their patients. People who don’t care and don’t want to grow in their good intentions don’t read her blog. I know in my heart that I have problem with the words in my mouth and often I say them unwisely, even when intentions are good, but at the same time we humans are good at deceiving ourselves, behind our good intentions we might hide our own fears, lack of empathy or wisdom. It’s good to have a look time to time what lays behind our good intentions. So I think Elanas post is very needed and it’s not about her preferences, but about helping her readers to grow in their ability to be there for their friends or family who aren’t well. And another thing, I’m delighted that cancer is your past, not the present. It’s amazing to hear survivors testimony. People take cancer survivors more seriously than those with autoimmune disorders. Cancer is much more prevalent at least here in Ireland, all families are touched by it, people are afraid of it, talk about it, know much more about it too, it’s even called a plague of 21 century. And because people take it more seriously, their intentions towards you are more serious too. And I know that if I was suffering with cancer and people knew it, they definitely wouldn’t be saying things to me they say now, because who cares about Hashimotos….it’s not going to kill you, will it! Cancer can kill you, but Hashimotos won’t….writing this I want to say that people’s good intentions can be very watery when they don’t believe that your condition is bad enough.
PS sorry Elana if you don’t welcome comments on other readers thoughts, just let me know.
Elana says
Giedre, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment! I really appreciate it :-)
Nancy Boal says
I too would like to say I am sorry you are not feeling good these days.
I have had RSD since 1990 and it is hard for those around me. People do not know what to say. When interacting with others who are chronically ill, I find myself trying to ignore our health and talk about something else. Thank you for this topic. It applies to all of us that are struggling our selves in how we interact with others.
My thoughts and prayers for you.
Elana says
Nancy, thanks for sharing your experience here! And also for your kind thoughts and prayers :-)
Margaret says
Hi Elana, great post! I have been dealing with chronic ailments that I manage with diet and lots of rest, but issues still plague…even I say stupid well meaning things to people, and people say flippant things to me who don’t have any understanding. So mostly I keep it to myself! I just don’t have extra energy to wade through the mines. All of my energy is for getting through today! I try to humor people, not take it personally, and know they love me.
Elana says
Margaret, you are a treasure :-)
Linda says
We have had some health issues in our family. I have been the caregiver. It took me time to learn all of the above. I appreciate you spelling it out for everyone. I also would like to add that when well intentioned people ask how everyone is doing, having known our past, I cringe. It’s the past! It also creates a label of sorts. I have learned how to redirect those conversions quickly. You, Elana, are a talented amazing human and I appreciate all the thoughts you share ?
Elana says
Linda, thanks for such an astute comment! Those of us dealing with chronic illness are masters at redirecting the conversation :-)
Pat Kleeberg says
Thank you for your informative post. I have a friend with several chronic illnesses, and I sometimes fall into the trap of not knowing what to say, so I say nothing at all. I am taking your comments to heart and will try to be a better support for her. Wishing you peace.
Elana says
Pat, thanks for your sweet comment!
Renate says
Praying for you my dear. May God be especially close to you at this most difficult time with His healing mercy.
Elana says
Thanks so much Renate!
Tina says
In a risk to sound totally stupid, when I fell unwell I prefer someone saying – I know the last month is strange for me also. It’s the weather and alignment this period. Let’s get trough this slowly no rush just give it a time. When you stress it gets even.more frustrating so let’s try being gentle. Everything is happening for a reason. This is a perfect line for me :) hah.
Elana says
Thanks Tina!