During the last month, I haven’t been feeling amazing. I’ve experienced a totally unexplained increase in MS symptoms. This is very perplexing since I’ve stuck to my routine one hundred percent. I’ve religiously engaged in all of the healing protocols and therapies that have always worked. That includes HBOT, IVs, Keto Diet, daily walks, healthy amounts of sleep, and gentle movement.
What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
One thing that keeps coming up while I’m resting and recuperating is dealing with people while I’m ill. How people react when you don’t feel well can be a very tricky thing. While everyone means well, not everyone knows the most appropriate thing to say. That’s why I’m writing this guide on What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Sick.
Best of Intentions in a Tricky Situation
In my experience, people have the best of intentions and no one wants to say something hurtful. But when we are sick, we feel uncomfortable in our bodies, and our friends and loved ones can pick up on that. They may even internalize our discomfort and feel off balance themselves.
You’re So Lucky!
When I start to feel an increase in symptoms, the first thing I do is increase rest and decrease stress. I cancel as much as I can so that I can listen to my body and rest when I feel tired. Still, a month later I’m in the same boat with the same symptoms. Very frustrating, but I’m determined to get well and feel even better than I did before this started. So you can imagine my surprise when someone told me I was “so lucky” to get to rest. Trust me, I’d rather be writing books for you and going on a long book tour than stay cooped up in my house dealing with MS symptoms.
But You Look Fine
If you’ve heard the term “Invisible Disability” you probably know better than to say “you look fine” to someone who’s feeling sick and under the weather. A more supportive comment might be, “You look great, but I hear that there’s a lot more to it than that and that you’re suffering right now.”
You’re Feeling Better!
Some friends want you to feel better so badly that every time they see you they say, “you’re feeling better?!” It comes out as more of a statement than a question. That’s because they’re so scared for you that they feel tremendous anxiety within themselves. This means they care, even if they don’t say the right thing. This reaction is about them and has nothing to do with you, so there’s no need to take it personally.
I Thought Those Were Spa Treatments
Recently, when asking about HBOT, someone said to me, “I thought those were spa treatments.” Anything that minimizes a person’s healing path is not a supportive comment and is most likely better left unsaid. Again, this is about the other person, not about you!
Giving Advice
Giving advice is a tricky thing. And it’s best not to give advice even if you have fantastic intentions. Remember, someone who is sick is dealing with a lot of people, not just you. Multiply your advice x100 people, plus medical professionals, and healers, and then reconsider. If you can’t refrain from giving advice, look inside to see whether your impulse is coming from a compulsion. If it’s not, you’ll easily be able to let it go.
Asking About Symptoms
This is another challenging topic. Don’t ask people who are sick about their symptoms. This might seem like common sense to most people, but again, common sense can be lost when people are nervous or uncomfortable.
What to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
More people than ever that I know are sick right now. All of these folks have friends and loved ones that don’t know what to say to them because dealing with illness is AWKWARD and makes people very uncomfortable. It’s a bit of a taboo subject like sex, politics, and money. I’m writing this to give you perspective from the inside, and help everyone communicate better!
The Perfect Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Sick
Thankfully, all of the above comments are very minimal in comparison to the incredibly supportive network I have of people who know how to say the perfect thing in this situation. My husband somehow knows exactly what to say every time. Additionally, we have friends who send over notes like this, “I’m so sorry you are feeling bad. How frustrating for you. If you ever just want me to pick up lunch and come over or take a walk let me know. I’m good at last minute plans. Hope you feel better soon.” That is the perfect thing to say to someone who’s feeling sick!
If you’re not feeling well, or have experienced illness, what helpful or unhelpful things have people said to you? Leave a comment and let me know!
Abbie says
Elana, I love what your naturopath said about the seasons. Thanks for sharing that here. I always need people I trust to help me remember that this is not ALL in my control, as much as I believe I wish it were. The days that I live in surrender are the better days, for sure. And also, surrender allows me to remember the magic of it all, that this is so much bigger than me and that I am being called to make the healthy choices by some power that is, ultimately, watching out for me. I am okay.
I also want to say that as the number of gluten free members of my household expands, your website has been incredibly useful for pleasing everyone’s palate! Thank you for helping a busy mother of three small children do her best to restore everyone to health and to feel confident about my ability to provide for my family.
Elana says
Abbie, thanks so much for your wonderful comment!
Becky says
What I like to say is Hopefully you can rest completely today.Ask if there are any errands that I could run for them when someone is not well. Because I know what it feels like to live not well with my fibromyalgia, and Hashimoto hyperthyroidism.
Elana says
Becky, I can’t think of a more perfect thing to say!!! Thank you for contributing such an amazing suggestion :-)
Myriam says
Elana,
So sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I had a very challenging fall and wondered what had happened to make me crash since I am very careful & diligent like you, so your post is both timely and reassuring. So good that you are so tuned in and receptive to your body and its needs. Wishing you vibrant health, from another who works very hard to stay and feel well. Thank you for your insightful post.. ????
Elana says
Myriam, you’re so very welcome! Sorry to hear that you too have had a challenging fall and glad we can connect here :-)
Misa says
Elana, Thank you so very much for this post in particular. I’ve been having more of “hit by a truck” days in the last month, wondering if I have been doing something wrong, feeling sorry for myself and have felt just plain scared and alone. I saw my Naturopath yesterday and she told me that the seasonal changes both in the springtime and fall can cause flare ups in my ME/CFS. It was a comfort to hear that.
I appreciate the perspective you bring to living with the challenges, and the forum you have created where we can support each other. I’m grateful for all of you who have shared in this post. I’m sorry we are not feeling well.
I was one of those people who used to give “the best advice I had” to “help” someone in pain or with an illness. I was doing the best I could at the time. I wish I had seen a post like this. So, when a well meaning friend or family member wonders aloud when I will “get well” or gives me advice, or tells me about their (fill in the blank) solution, I TRY TO REMEMBER they mean no harm, are simply doing the best they can, and take care of myself in the moment. Sometimes it means I hang up or walk away. Sometimes I simply thank them for their love. Sometimes I tell them what would be more supportive to me. It depends on the situation. Compassion is sometimes hard to find when I am really hurting, When I can get there, it frees me from resentment and anger – toxic emotions I can’t afford to give my energy to, especially on days like today when I’m just hanging on. Thanks again everyone. Peace.
Elana says
Misa, thank you for your beautiful and kind words. They are so thoughtful and helpful. I’m so lucky to be on this healing path with you and share all of the ups and downs it brings us :-)
Giedre says
Elana, I just read your post and want to thank you for sharing your LIFE in this blog. I can imagine that most people joined because of recipes, but it is such privilege to be there even from far distance (I’m in Ireland)with you and for you. I wish of course I lived closer that could text you and offer more down to earth practical help. And it’s so good hear that unhelpful comments are just minimal part of all comments you get. Elana, you are in my thoughts and prayers, if I could be any help for you, just let me know ( maybe you will ask me just to shut up ;-) joking… cause I wrote you a lot yesterday and a day before)
To go back to helpful/unhelpful comments I must sadly say that I keep experiencing more unhelpful. People commenting on my cold hands (as if I didn’t know they were cold). Or telling in sympathetic voice (at work) that I looked tired, after such comment you feel even more tired and unattractive. And ignorance….I was diagnosed with Hashimotos almost 8 years ago and my husband’s family and coworkers still keep offering me cookies, bread, crackers after being told numerous times I was gluten free and sugar free. At the same time to make sense of people’s comments I try to turn unhelpful comments into helpful by asking myself questions like did you really had this expectation that she (he) would encourage you, or do you really think he(she) is having a good day? And the more I ask questions like that, the more I appreciate help and comfort I get from God. I know that some people get amazing help from other people, but I would end up just jealous and very miserable if I didn’t embrace what God wants to give. My husband is brilliant, but not perfect;-), his strength is that he doesn’t say much.
Have you ever read psalm 91? I learned it by heart, when it gets tough I can say it anytime and anywhere (please don’t take it as advice, I’m just sharing one of treasures I found in my life journey).
Love and blessings!!
Elana says
Giedre, thanks so much for another super thoughtful comment! Also thanks for bringing up a practical part of living with an autoimmune condition which is sharing food with others! It can be very challenging when people keep offering us food to eat that makes us sick. I am so grateful for your support and kind words and for your very, very warm heart!
Vanessa says
I’m so sorry that you haven’t been feeling well. It must be especially frustrating because you take such beautiful care of your health. You are truly a hero to me for pioneering new paths to wellness, then generously sharing your knowledge and experiences with the rest of us. I think that no matter how “perfectly” we do things, autoimmune conditions just suck and occasionally get the upper hand. I’ll pray for you and I hope you’re at the tail end of this!
Elana says
Vanessa, thanks so much for your beautiful comment and kind words❣️
Lori says
Good article. Thanks for writing about this issue. I have a number of autoimmune issues and even I don’t know what to say to people when they’re ill. So I appreciate the tips. While I think people generally mean well, those who never deal with illness that doesn’t go away, simply don’t understand those of us with chronic issues. I can think of at least one person who tries to talk me out of my own feelings, like a mini chastisement, as if to say, “if only you thought more positively, you’ld be better.” That makes me feel guilty that I have chronic issues. All many people want to hear when they ask you how you are is, that you’re fine… and you had best say it with a smile. Learning what to answer whom comes with the territory I guess, because it takes too much energy to deal with their rebuttals. I hope these people with good health remain that way. Sure wouldn’t want them to be forced to ‘learn’ how to relate. Illness is not my choice, but makes me a more sympathetic person, and to trust my great God. For that I really am grateful.
Elana says
Lori, thanks for your thoughtful, astute, and empathetic words. Right on point! Glad to be with you on this path :-)
Erin says
Elana, thank you so much for sharing this. I always appreciate your openness regarding your healing journey. I too have had a symptom flare for about the past month. I always appreciate when a friend or family member tells me they are there for me when I am ready. That way the ball is in my court and when I feel up to going out, emailing, chatting on the phone, etc I know they will be waiting for me to reach out and understanding if it has been a while.
The worst thing is when someone says, “Aren’t you better yet?” Sadly, many people don’t understand the complexities of autoimmune disease or diseases like lyme (that come with a host of co-infections).
Feeling accepted and understood by friends and family is so valuable, so thank you again for sharing this post. I hope it will help others.
Be blessed Elana
Elana says
Erin, thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I’m so blessed to be on this healing path with someone as wise and open as you :-)
H.D. says
I was wondering if your area switched to 5G networks? I know you’re sensitive to EMFs.
Elana says
HD, thanks for your comment and for looking out for me! Our house is still at 0 m/m2 thankfully, but I will take my measuring devices out in our front yard to measure the neighborhood. There are some restaurants in Boulder that have been so bad in terms of RFR that I’ve had to leave the meal before it was even served, though that specifically was a pub with 11 smart TVs and also I believe very bad wiring.
Shelly says
What are symptoms of EMF sensitivity?
Elana says
Shelly, thanks for your comment! Since unhealthy levels of EMFs are a toxin that contributes to ill health, they can lead to the worsening of symptoms of any autoimmune condition, neurological condition, or other. Different people have different symptoms :-)
Elana says
Shelly, I’ve thought more about your comment this afternoon and want to add that high levels of EMFs are like any other toxin. So your question would be similar to asking, what are the symptoms of pesticide sensitivity.Basically, everyone reacts differently to different toxins since we are all biochemical individuals. I wish I could do a better job answering your question! Here’s more info for you on EMFs:
https://elanaspantry.com/green-house-almost-killed/
Thanks so much for your question!!!
Elana
Joanne says
First Off Let me start by saying Im sorry you are not feeling right now. I have stage 4 metastatic cancer minimizing how i feel from folks who are healthy is upsetting. I know they think they are projecting Positivity. But honestly no, I have good days, bad days, really bad days and really good days. Giving me advice on everything i should and should not do regarding healing protocols none of anyones business. Thank you for writing this blog post. Again, Im sorry and I hope they find the root for you so you can start to feel better.
Elana says
Joanne, thanks for sharing your experience in this comment, it’s is very valuable for me to connect with you! I will be thinking of you and I hope you’ll keep me posted on how you’re doing. ❤️