After Losing a Loved One to COVID we gather our extended family. 🤗 Virtual hugs extend through the computers that stand between us, reflections of our 😰 isolation. Screens bind us to our grief instead of each other. This is a new way of mourning en masse, in a time unlike any other.
Grieving Death In The Time Of The Coronavirus Pandemic
Screens separate us from all that we cannot touch. The hand we cannot hold. The hug we cannot give. Mourning trapped, incompletely expressed. Grieving death in the time of the coronavirus pandemic is different. It’s darker and lonelier.
Success Is Less Than 100,000
As I write this, the US government has announced that 49,861 people have died of Coronavirus. One of those is from our family. Another is a friend. Two of the many dead have names and faces for us. Still. None of the others are just numbers.
9/11 x Sixteen = 49,861 Deaths
Coronavirus has killed more than 49,000 Americans. That is sixteen 9/11s in a few weeks. Americans have lost family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. This is a tragedy of extreme proportions. And because we were not prepared for this war, we have no way to grieve the fallen.
No Way To Grieve
I pray that none of you go through what our family has been through in the last week. Why? Beyond losing someone, current circumstances make this one of the worst times to grieve.
No Way To Say Goodbye
With the highly infectious nature of coronavirus, we are unable to say goodbye to our dying loved ones. Visits are not allowed. Because it is a pandemic and things are so chaotic on the front lines, you may not be able to contact a loved one. Or they may be intubated, sedated, and unable to speak. This too is not uncommon.
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Mourning Alone
After death comes the screens. Often there are no funerals because it’s too dangerous to gather. No memorial services. No gathering of loved ones to say goodbye. Forget about being with family and friends. You will not get a hug, you will get a text message. If you have someone to organize it, you’ll sit shiva and mourn on Zoom calls.
The Normal Healing Process Has Been Disrupted
Coronavirus has upended so many of the routines and traditions that are integral to our lives. Death, funerals, and grieving are no exception. In one article on Vox Media entitled, How Coronavirus is Changing the Way We Grieve and Mourn the Dead, a rabbi was quoted saying, “the normal healing process has been disrupted.” Sadly, my family has experienced this firsthand.
Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
Here are some of the ways that grieving death during the coronavirus pandemic has changed from prior times. This is our new normal:
- Small socially distant funerals
- Drive-by funerals
- Live stream funerals
Sudden Death x 50,000
Coronavirus has caused death and along with it a simultaneous barrier to proper grieving. The suddenness of all this is another shock. It is as if 50,000 people died in car crashes in a few weeks. There is an incompleteness to these deaths. No goodbye. No gathering. Nothing. And it hurts.
A State Of Collective Shock
With no way to say goodbye, thousands of times over, our country is in a state of collective grief that has turned into shock. This is a massive amount of trauma for people, and a country to absorb.
A Tsunami Of Grief
This swell of loss may very well turn into a tsunami of grief in the coming months if the virus is not contained and controlled by those in command.
How To Support Loved Ones Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
This article called 6 Ways to Help Loved Ones Grieving Death During the Coronavirus Pandemic shares thoughtful ideas for supporting friends and family who are grieving a death right now. Here are a few ways you can be of support:
- Do ask if you can help plan an online funeral
- Do ask if you can share happy memories
- Don’t ask, “how can I help” –this transfers the burden
- Do send a note, email, or text
- Don’t hound if you receive no response, give space
Have You Lost A Loved One During This Time?
This is what is happening with me. But what about you? Have you lost someone during this time? Someone dear to you? Or a friend? A colleague? A neighbor, or acquaintance? It doesn’t matter if it was from coronavirus because we’re all in the same boat, taken by surprise and deprived of the rituals that anchor us when death visits. How are you coping?
Coronavirus Around The World
People from around the world responded when I wrote about Coronavirus and My Family. I’m so grateful that you came to talk to me from your homes in South Korea, New Zealand, France, Ireland, England, Israel, and the US. During this time of isolation, you are a lifeline for me. So leave a comment and let me know how you’re holding up. I want to know how you’re doing. Hugs to you and all and stay safe!
Christine Litherland says
Thank you for sharing your experience; grief is so personal. My hope for you is to stay well as you can and keep up with all your self care. I love your recipes and messages of hope. Made some gf banana muffins well the mystery deepens as to which of 4 cats took a bite of 4 muffins and who knocked down the drying egg shells for the dog to get. Just baking or making a salad is very grounding and gets me out of my anxiety.
Elana says
Christine, thanks for your thoughtful words. I just returned from a walk with my husband and one of the boys. The sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. And your cat/dog comment made me laugh. Grateful for you.
Cheryl Caplan says
Elana, I’m sorry for your family’s loss. What trying times these are. Thank you for your transparency as you share on how to grieve during COVID-19. While it probably doesn’t make it any easier for you, your words provide comfort to many people. I’m praying peace and love to envelope you and your family.
Elana says
Cheryl, thank you for your prayers enveloping my family in peace and love.
Tiina says
May God console you among the other mourners of this dreadful disease and of past tragedy. If I was sitting with you, I would ask what your family member and friend were really like, so you could recall memories and express your grief. Peace.
Elana says
Tiina, thanks for this sweet comment, grateful to be on this path with you.
Sherry says
I too am very sorry for your losses; sending hugs and warm wishes, prayers and love to you, our sister in grief.
My thoughts have been of a dear loved one dying alone, her worst fear came to pass. She did not die of the virus rather fear of the virus and the decision not to treat an “elderly” person who only required oxygen, they say she was too old.
At what point do we say caution is too much? At what age are we too old or have lived long enough? At what point are needless losses of life no longer for the greater good? Who are those who have decided for us and others? Gone without a voice, gone without a hug or goodbye, gone without a trace as fear prevented a burial. Who are those who decide for these? God help those who decided.
Elana says
Sherry, I’m so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. Stay safe.
Liz Ramirez says
Well said!!!
Barbara White says
Elana, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it is like to grieve a dear one without all the love and support of ritual and ceremony and family and friends to support you in your earliest grief. I am a bodyworker and work with the effects of grief on the body, mind and heart. Since I am not able to work one on one with people I have commited to a daily Tonglen practice as I walk a labyrinth in solidarity for all who are grieving, suffering and in pain in my local community as well as globally. I am humbled and honored to add your family’s personal experience with grief and your continued grieving process to my practice. May you and your family find a way to heal and rebuild around the loss you have suffered. May you be free from suffering. May you be at peace. Barbara from Alabama
Elana says
Barbara, thank you for your kindhearted words and also for adding my family to your tonglen practice. You are a dear one.
Ruth Hirsch says
Dear Elana and Family,
I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you can enjoy some good moments–good memories.
In this time of re-birth, I hope you are able to some times look –or be– outdoors and enjoy and appreciate the wonders of nature. Birds returning, perhaps. Plants rejuvenating.
The beauty of this planet, even while in excruciating pain, or perhaps, as a break from pain.
May you be surrounded by dear loving resources, even if virtually,
many blessings for you each and all,
Ruth
Elana says
Ru8th, thanks for this, and every single one of your comments over the years. You are so sweet and I greatly appreciate your support.
Bec Wallenborn says
Elana, I follow you and love your fighting spirit and determination for all things in good health and wellbeing. And I love your recipes!
My older brother died on April 8 of an extended illness unrelated to COVID. Due to the quarantine, I had not been able to be with him through hospitalization and rehab, and had not seen him for six weeks… the despair and grief which filled me during that time overran me alongside with constant fears for my family members here in the US and aboard.
Laying him to rest in a basic burial gave me a type of heartbreaking peace…I am so deeply sorry for your losses and just wanted you to know my sorrow comes with hopes we can each and all continue to endure these difficult times.
Elana says
Bec, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for being with me during these difficult times.
Sherry says
I am so very sorry for your loss, Elena. I have not lost anyone to this virulent offender but I have lost both parents and a younger brother over the years. I don’t know what your spiritual circumstances are but for me, believing in a Higher Being has given me such hope that I know I will never despair. Please know that I will keep you and yours in my prayers. May you have peace.
Elana says
Sherry, thanks for your prayers and stay safe.
Micky Shorr says
Hello Elena, I appreciate the honesty and courage you show in sharing about your losses. I am a 78 year old person basically in isolation, trying not to be overwhelmed with worry if I might not be able to ever hug my 8 year old grandson, but trying to concentrate on looking for ways he can enjoy our FaceTime meetings. (20 questions is this weeks activities)
Anyway my rheumatologist recommended I try a gluten sugar and corn free diet for my arthritis. I’ve found your book so helpful, and have occupied myself baking banana and blueberry muffins and they’re yummy and so easy to make. Thanks you and be well.
Elana says
Micky, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry that you are in isolation and cannot hug your loved ones, that is absolutely tragic. Please take care and keep me posted on how you’re doing. I love your comments.
Rosa says
Dear Elana . . . this is my first time posting a comment, but I felt compelled to send along my sincerest condolences during this very difficult time in your family’s lives. I pray that you and yours will find a way to grieve that brings comfort to each and every one of you.
I live in Ontario, Canada, but last weekend, there was an horrific, senseless mass shooting that took place over several hours and in sixteen different locations in rural communities of Nova Scotia. Twenty-two people were murdered before the assailant was killed by the RCMP. Details are emerging about how this rampage was allowed to proceed to such a devastating extent, but they are not as important as the fact that all those beautiful, peace-loving people were lost to us forever. These things just don’t happen here in Canada, so we’re all in shock and grieving. Anyone who has ever travelled to Nova Scotia knows what warm-hearted, generous and fun-loving people inhabit that lovely province. Last night, there was a 90-minute tribute entitled “Nova Scotia Strong” that included personal reflections, musical offerings, prayers and scenes of the various “altars” that are cropping up in the various communities that were affected. One of the best parts was a brief feature on each of the twenty-two victims, which helped us get to know them in a more intimate way. The program was televised on all the major Canadian stations, as well as aired online. I’m sure the majority of Canadians either watched the program live or recorded it later. My husband and I watched it, and it did help to assuage some of the grief we had been feeling, despite the fact that we had no personal connection to any of the victims. It’s little wonder that you’re so deeply affected by the personal tragedy that’s befallen your family. Grief is such a personal thing, and I hope that whatever measures you’re able to adopt to get you through these troubling times brings some degree of peace.
Elana says
Rosa, thank you for writing from Nova Scotia. I am so sorry about this national tragedy. We were very surprised and saddened by this. I am wishing you all the best and sending hugs to my Canadian brothers and sisters, and to you and yours. Stay safe.