After Losing a Loved One to COVID we gather our extended family. 🤗 Virtual hugs extend through the computers that stand between us, reflections of our 😰 isolation. Screens bind us to our grief instead of each other. This is a new way of mourning en masse, in a time unlike any other.
Grieving Death In The Time Of The Coronavirus Pandemic
Screens separate us from all that we cannot touch. The hand we cannot hold. The hug we cannot give. Mourning trapped, incompletely expressed. Grieving death in the time of the coronavirus pandemic is different. It’s darker and lonelier.
Success Is Less Than 100,000
As I write this, the US government has announced that 49,861 people have died of Coronavirus. One of those is from our family. Another is a friend. Two of the many dead have names and faces for us. Still. None of the others are just numbers.
9/11 x Sixteen = 49,861 Deaths
Coronavirus has killed more than 49,000 Americans. That is sixteen 9/11s in a few weeks. Americans have lost family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. This is a tragedy of extreme proportions. And because we were not prepared for this war, we have no way to grieve the fallen.
No Way To Grieve
I pray that none of you go through what our family has been through in the last week. Why? Beyond losing someone, current circumstances make this one of the worst times to grieve.
No Way To Say Goodbye
With the highly infectious nature of coronavirus, we are unable to say goodbye to our dying loved ones. Visits are not allowed. Because it is a pandemic and things are so chaotic on the front lines, you may not be able to contact a loved one. Or they may be intubated, sedated, and unable to speak. This too is not uncommon.
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Mourning Alone
After death comes the screens. Often there are no funerals because it’s too dangerous to gather. No memorial services. No gathering of loved ones to say goodbye. Forget about being with family and friends. You will not get a hug, you will get a text message. If you have someone to organize it, you’ll sit shiva and mourn on Zoom calls.
The Normal Healing Process Has Been Disrupted
Coronavirus has upended so many of the routines and traditions that are integral to our lives. Death, funerals, and grieving are no exception. In one article on Vox Media entitled, How Coronavirus is Changing the Way We Grieve and Mourn the Dead, a rabbi was quoted saying, “the normal healing process has been disrupted.” Sadly, my family has experienced this firsthand.
Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
Here are some of the ways that grieving death during the coronavirus pandemic has changed from prior times. This is our new normal:
- Small socially distant funerals
- Drive-by funerals
- Live stream funerals
Sudden Death x 50,000
Coronavirus has caused death and along with it a simultaneous barrier to proper grieving. The suddenness of all this is another shock. It is as if 50,000 people died in car crashes in a few weeks. There is an incompleteness to these deaths. No goodbye. No gathering. Nothing. And it hurts.
A State Of Collective Shock
With no way to say goodbye, thousands of times over, our country is in a state of collective grief that has turned into shock. This is a massive amount of trauma for people, and a country to absorb.
A Tsunami Of Grief
This swell of loss may very well turn into a tsunami of grief in the coming months if the virus is not contained and controlled by those in command.
How To Support Loved Ones Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
This article called 6 Ways to Help Loved Ones Grieving Death During the Coronavirus Pandemic shares thoughtful ideas for supporting friends and family who are grieving a death right now. Here are a few ways you can be of support:
- Do ask if you can help plan an online funeral
- Do ask if you can share happy memories
- Don’t ask, “how can I help” –this transfers the burden
- Do send a note, email, or text
- Don’t hound if you receive no response, give space
Have You Lost A Loved One During This Time?
This is what is happening with me. But what about you? Have you lost someone during this time? Someone dear to you? Or a friend? A colleague? A neighbor, or acquaintance? It doesn’t matter if it was from coronavirus because we’re all in the same boat, taken by surprise and deprived of the rituals that anchor us when death visits. How are you coping?
Coronavirus Around The World
People from around the world responded when I wrote about Coronavirus and My Family. I’m so grateful that you came to talk to me from your homes in South Korea, New Zealand, France, Ireland, England, Israel, and the US. During this time of isolation, you are a lifeline for me. So leave a comment and let me know how you’re holding up. I want to know how you’re doing. Hugs to you and all and stay safe!
Barbara Ennis says
So sorry for your loss. My cousin died, not from Covid, but it’s so sad that the only way I can try to be of comfort to his family is online. His wife and children are so devastated , I would love to give them huge hugs. But I guess facebook hugs will have to do.
Elana says
Barbara, I’m so sorry for your loss and the stress added to you and yours during this terrible time.
Charlotte Rhoads says
So very sorry for your family’s losses! It is so hard at a time when it is impossible to get together in person. God bless and my thoughts are with you!
Elana says
Charolotte, thanks for your kind wishes.
connie wierzbicki says
My heart hurts for you. may God give you comfort in this time of loss.
Elana says
Thanks Connie.
Elizabeth J. says
I am very sorry to know of the losses that you and your family are experiencing. I too have lost a dear friend to the coronavirus. I also have 2 Family members that have had it or are now dealing with it currently. We are also coping with long-term isolation due to Quarantine suggestions. Somethings I have found helpful are: taking one day at a time. Our anxiety is increased when we take on more than we can bear. Also, we have found that finding reasons to be thankful each day can help alleviate the weight of current stressors and loss. Most importantly though is prayer. Prayer can help a person have peace despite the uncertainty of life around them. We are wishing you and your family the best.
Elana says
Elizabeth, so sorry to hear about your loss and that your family members are now suffering from this virus. Stay safe and take good care.
Carla says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I read this a few times already today and will probably read it again. I am thankful I haven’t lost anyone to COVID-19 at this point. This month is the second anniversary of the passing of my father (cancer) and because of his various circumstances that are too long and complicated to share here, his passing was alone and the grieving was solo and alone. It was a similar situation with my mother-in-law several years ago. I don’t know if this is helpful, but I know you are not alone and dying alone is not rare, but it is painful nonetheless.
Elana says
Carla, I’m sorry to hear of your losses. Stay safe and take good care.
Carla says
You too, Elana! <3
Virginia Santoro says
My beloved mom died on March 30 after a year long, gruesome, valiant fight with ALS. My sister and her husband contacted a short funeral service that they live streamed for my other sister and myself. My mom was then taken directly to the grave and buried with my father. It was so very surreal, so very hard for my sisters and me. I have not taken nor returned calls since Mom passed. I need to be in my own silence and thoughts right now. It is so very overwhelming and unbelievable.
Elana says
Virginia, I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost your Mother at the worst time possible. Sending you hugs.
Nancy Forsell says
Elana, I am so sorry for your loss(es)……..these times are very hard to understand and get through on their own, but to lose loved ones due to this dreadful virus must be heartbreaking. Please know that I am keeping you and your family in prayer as you go through the grieving process. Please find comfort in knowing that many of us care about you and are supporting you as best we can in thought and prayer. Take care and be safe!
Elana says
Nancy, thank you for your beautiful words and prayers. Stay safe.
Louise says
Elana can’t imagine how difficult this time is for you and others when it involves a death of a love one or friend.
Being at the age of 69 and living in the Epi center I have been very cautious But know I would not want to die alone without loved ones near.
I pray we get control over this pandemic and start to live whatever will be our new lives soon.
Peace to all.
Elana says
Louise, thanks so much and stay safe.
Carole says
I deeply understand the feeling as if everything you knew about life and the world itself had totally changed, as if the rug was pulled out from under you, leaving you with gaping, bleeding emotions alternating between numbness and shock, and then eventually all the stages of grief. My world was turned upside down, made NO sense how, in a matter of days several years ago; it so completely devastated me in a way I would never have comprehended prior to that. As this horror is unfolding across the globe, I deeply feel for those impacted, because I know so well how extreme grief and trauma in a short period of time leaves one devastated and trying to make sense of it. One never does; one eventually comes out of the fog of grief and notices the sunshine, the birds and the clouds. It is a roller-coaster of emotions and healing, loss and learning what the new normal is, and eventually finding some joy in the small, day to day happenings, and the preciousness of that which we do still have.
I hold you, your family, and the families of everyone going through extreme grief and loss at this time, in my heart, and know that, eventually, some relief will come while still honoring all the love and loss and care that has happened for all of us, regardless of country or belief. May all find peace within and through the caring and connecting with others, in whatever manner that is possible.
Elana says
Carole, you are so kind, empathic and understanding, and your beautifully heartfelt comment is very comforting. I’m so grateful for you; many, many thanks and stay safe.
Amalia Arnau says
It’s always hard to know what to say to someone who has lost a dear loved one. One can always say “I know how you feel” but how can they really know? We have all lost loved ones…some we got to say goodbye to and others passed before we had the chance to tell them how much we love them. This pandemic is making being with those in their final moments even harder because the medical professionals are trying to protect us health wise by denying us that opportunity. How can we cope with the pain? Who really understands and can give us the kind of comfort we need?
I think about the words that Lazarus’ sisters said to Christ Jesus when he arrived after the death of their brother: “If you had been here I know he would not have died.” Jesus cared so much about the pain that they were feeling and because he also had loved Lazarus that he too wept. Imagine Jesus weeping despite knowing that he was about to resurrect Lazarus. The 11th chapter of John gives us an account of this event. So what does this account do for us? Is there comfort to be found in the message it conveys to those of us who have lost loved ones today?
Jesus does, indeed, give us comfort through this account in that he is showing us what he can and will do for our loved ones in the near future. At John 5:28,29 he tells that there is going to be a resurrection of all those in the memorial tombs but that the hour for that had not come yet. When will it come and what will that mean for us? Revelation 20: 12,13 tells us more about this resurrection. Furthermore, Revelation 21:3,4 tells us that at that time there will be no more tears because death will be no more. I look forward to this time because it means I will again be able to see my father, brother and grandparents. It is the knowledge that Jesus Christ cares and understands how we feel when we lose a loved one that gives me comfort. But more than that; it is the knowledge that his heavenly Father cares and understands how we feel because he had to watch His son give his life in our behalf so that we could in the future have our loved ones back with us again. For more comfort you will want to consider the Scriptural comfort in the publication that I am including a link to:
(https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/watchtower-no3-2019-sep-oct/)
I always enjoy receiving you news letter and it is my prayer that my letter will give you some comfort and joy too.
Sincerely,
Amy Arnau
Elana says
Thanks Amy.
Virginia Santoro says
Amen.