After Losing a Loved One to COVID we gather our extended family. 🤗 Virtual hugs extend through the computers that stand between us, reflections of our 😰 isolation. Screens bind us to our grief instead of each other. This is a new way of mourning en masse, in a time unlike any other.
Grieving Death In The Time Of The Coronavirus Pandemic
Screens separate us from all that we cannot touch. The hand we cannot hold. The hug we cannot give. Mourning trapped, incompletely expressed. Grieving death in the time of the coronavirus pandemic is different. It’s darker and lonelier.
Success Is Less Than 100,000
As I write this, the US government has announced that 49,861 people have died of Coronavirus. One of those is from our family. Another is a friend. Two of the many dead have names and faces for us. Still. None of the others are just numbers.
9/11 x Sixteen = 49,861 Deaths
Coronavirus has killed more than 49,000 Americans. That is sixteen 9/11s in a few weeks. Americans have lost family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. This is a tragedy of extreme proportions. And because we were not prepared for this war, we have no way to grieve the fallen.
No Way To Grieve
I pray that none of you go through what our family has been through in the last week. Why? Beyond losing someone, current circumstances make this one of the worst times to grieve.
No Way To Say Goodbye
With the highly infectious nature of coronavirus, we are unable to say goodbye to our dying loved ones. Visits are not allowed. Because it is a pandemic and things are so chaotic on the front lines, you may not be able to contact a loved one. Or they may be intubated, sedated, and unable to speak. This too is not uncommon.
Mourning Alone
After death comes the screens. Often there are no funerals because it’s too dangerous to gather. No memorial services. No gathering of loved ones to say goodbye. Forget about being with family and friends. You will not get a hug, you will get a text message. If you have someone to organize it, you’ll sit shiva and mourn on Zoom calls.
The Normal Healing Process Has Been Disrupted
Coronavirus has upended so many of the routines and traditions that are integral to our lives. Death, funerals, and grieving are no exception. In one article on Vox Media entitled, How Coronavirus is Changing the Way We Grieve and Mourn the Dead, a rabbi was quoted saying, “the normal healing process has been disrupted.” Sadly, my family has experienced this firsthand.
Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
Here are some of the ways that grieving death during the coronavirus pandemic has changed from prior times. This is our new normal:
- Small socially distant funerals
- Drive-by funerals
- Live stream funerals
Sudden Death x 50,000
Coronavirus has caused death and along with it a simultaneous barrier to proper grieving. The suddenness of all this is another shock. It is as if 50,000 people died in car crashes in a few weeks. There is an incompleteness to these deaths. No goodbye. No gathering. Nothing. And it hurts.
A State Of Collective Shock
With no way to say goodbye, thousands of times over, our country is in a state of collective grief that has turned into shock. This is a massive amount of trauma for people, and a country to absorb.
A Tsunami Of Grief
This swell of loss may very well turn into a tsunami of grief in the coming months if the virus is not contained and controlled by those in command.
How To Support Loved Ones Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
This article called 6 Ways to Help Loved Ones Grieving Death During the Coronavirus Pandemic shares thoughtful ideas for supporting friends and family who are grieving a death right now. Here are a few ways you can be of support:
- Do ask if you can help plan an online funeral
- Do ask if you can share happy memories
- Don’t ask, “how can I help” –this transfers the burden
- Do send a note, email, or text
- Don’t hound if you receive no response, give space
Have You Lost A Loved One During This Time?
This is what is happening with me. But what about you? Have you lost someone during this time? Someone dear to you? Or a friend? A colleague? A neighbor, or acquaintance? It doesn’t matter if it was from coronavirus because we’re all in the same boat, taken by surprise and deprived of the rituals that anchor us when death visits. How are you coping?
Coronavirus Around The World
People from around the world responded when I wrote about Coronavirus and My Family. I’m so grateful that you came to talk to me from your homes in South Korea, New Zealand, France, Ireland, England, Israel, and the US. During this time of isolation, you are a lifeline for me. So leave a comment and let me know how you’re holding up. I want to know how you’re doing. Hugs to you and all and stay safe!
Roxie Fiste says
A dear friend passed last week, not of Coronavirus but from diabetes. There was a graveside only service, but it did help us and the family. We couldn’t hug and everyone was in madks but we showed up to support the family. Such a painful time – our prayers are with you and your family. ❤️
Elana says
Roxie, so sorry for your loss. Stay safe and sending you hugs.
Josn says
Hi Beautiful of mind, spirit and body. As a Celiac you have been a godsend to me for
a long time. Unfortunately the world has been going throug these wipes for a long, long
time. This too will pass.
Elana says
Thanks Joan.
Diane says
So very sorry for your losses of family and friend, Elana. And sorry you have to grieve alone. My heart goes out to you.
Elana says
Diane, thanks for your sweet words.
Teresa Fischer says
Hi Elana,
I’m so sorry for your losses. We also have had two deaths during this time, and are waiting for the death of a third. May God give you His peace and comfort.
Love,
Teresa Fischer
Elana says
Teresa, I’m so sorry for the losses you and yours are suffering from. Sending you all love.
Nancy B says
I am so sorry that this virus has taken from you the traditions related to saying goodbye to someone you love. Traditions related to life are practiced by all of us across all cultures for centuries. Like a well-loved blanket of a small child, they bring comfort. I’m sorry this has been denied to your family. We may not all share the same traditions, but the heart and the soul bind us together and we all know what loss is, and some of us know the feeling of not being able to have that one last touch, to hold a hand the last time, to say I love you one last time. While I am not going through this now and cannot possibly say I know how you feel, I do understand your sadness and pain. And I wish you peace.
Elana says
Nancy, thank you for your kind, thoughtful and beautiful words, they are so comforting.
Hadas says
I feel for you
Sorry for your loss.
Here they let family members say goodbye.
Protected for the first time.
I send a big hug…and big hopes
Elana says
Hadas, thanks for your comment. Where are you located? Hugs to you.
Marjorie Wax says
I am so sorry for your loss – you support so many of us – sending love and comfort in return.
Elana says
Marjorie, thanks so very much for your kind words. Sending love to you.
Dedria says
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is a horrible one to go through but by reading yours I have a bit of insight into what I can do to comfort others in the same situation.
Elana says
Dedria, thanks for your support and kind words.
Irene Adamson says
I am sooo sorry for your loss. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I pray that God will comfort and heal all of your hearts.
I have not lost anyone during this time and I am so thankful. My son in law is a physician. He was exposed when examining a patient who was unaware they had COVID-19. By the time test results returned positive, he had exposed my daughter and two grandsons. They all came down with it within a couple of days of each other. Though they were all very sick, none were hospitalized. They did have each other, one being a doctor. Though I wanted to be with them , I could only drop off meals and groceries. Today they are better but continue to remain on lockdown. A wait for the day I can hug them all.
Elana says
Irene, thanks for your kind words and also for your SIL being on the front lines of this terrible battle. And oh my goodness, I’m so sorry your entire family was exposed to this and that you cannot give them hugs. They are so lucky though that you take care of them in all the ways that you can. Stay safe and keep me posted on you and yours.
Carol Logan says
Dearest Elana,
My heart is so saddened for you and yours.
We are going thru exceptionally strange and painful times.
I feel your pain in that we too lost a relative, cousins husband, and could not be there to support my cousin, could not gather to comfort each other. Strange as this may sound… looking forward to seeing my cousin to celebrate his life with her. ( what we would have done if we could have been there for his service ). I know that with faith, no matter what faith, but with said faith God will ease our pain. Especially knowing that our loved ones are with God. I wish I could hug you and my cousin, to tell you that you are loved, to just be with you both to if nothing else … hold your hands.
Will be keeping you, yours, and mine and the world in general in my prayers.
Keep your faith. I have to believe that some good will come out of this horrific time in our lives. Just like 911, we humans, especially we Americans, are a strong, resilient breed.
You are a strong resilient woman.
Elana says
Carol, yes we are definitely going through exceptionally strange and painful times. Thanks so much for your sweet words of comfort.