After Losing a Loved One to COVID we gather our extended family. 🤗 Virtual hugs extend through the computers that stand between us, reflections of our 😰 isolation. Screens bind us to our grief instead of each other. This is a new way of mourning en masse, in a time unlike any other.
Grieving Death In The Time Of The Coronavirus Pandemic
Screens separate us from all that we cannot touch. The hand we cannot hold. The hug we cannot give. Mourning trapped, incompletely expressed. Grieving death in the time of the coronavirus pandemic is different. It’s darker and lonelier.
Success Is Less Than 100,000
As I write this, the US government has announced that 49,861 people have died of Coronavirus. One of those is from our family. Another is a friend. Two of the many dead have names and faces for us. Still. None of the others are just numbers.
9/11 x Sixteen = 49,861 Deaths
Coronavirus has killed more than 49,000 Americans. That is sixteen 9/11s in a few weeks. Americans have lost family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. This is a tragedy of extreme proportions. And because we were not prepared for this war, we have no way to grieve the fallen.
No Way To Grieve
I pray that none of you go through what our family has been through in the last week. Why? Beyond losing someone, current circumstances make this one of the worst times to grieve.
No Way To Say Goodbye
With the highly infectious nature of coronavirus, we are unable to say goodbye to our dying loved ones. Visits are not allowed. Because it is a pandemic and things are so chaotic on the front lines, you may not be able to contact a loved one. Or they may be intubated, sedated, and unable to speak. This too is not uncommon.
Mourning Alone
After death comes the screens. Often there are no funerals because it’s too dangerous to gather. No memorial services. No gathering of loved ones to say goodbye. Forget about being with family and friends. You will not get a hug, you will get a text message. If you have someone to organize it, you’ll sit shiva and mourn on Zoom calls.
The Normal Healing Process Has Been Disrupted
Coronavirus has upended so many of the routines and traditions that are integral to our lives. Death, funerals, and grieving are no exception. In one article on Vox Media entitled, How Coronavirus is Changing the Way We Grieve and Mourn the Dead, a rabbi was quoted saying, “the normal healing process has been disrupted.” Sadly, my family has experienced this firsthand.
Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
Here are some of the ways that grieving death during the coronavirus pandemic has changed from prior times. This is our new normal:
- Small socially distant funerals
- Drive-by funerals
- Live stream funerals
Sudden Death x 50,000
Coronavirus has caused death and along with it a simultaneous barrier to proper grieving. The suddenness of all this is another shock. It is as if 50,000 people died in car crashes in a few weeks. There is an incompleteness to these deaths. No goodbye. No gathering. Nothing. And it hurts.
A State Of Collective Shock
With no way to say goodbye, thousands of times over, our country is in a state of collective grief that has turned into shock. This is a massive amount of trauma for people, and a country to absorb.
A Tsunami Of Grief
This swell of loss may very well turn into a tsunami of grief in the coming months if the virus is not contained and controlled by those in command.
How To Support Loved Ones Grieving Death During The Coronavirus Pandemic
This article called 6 Ways to Help Loved Ones Grieving Death During the Coronavirus Pandemic shares thoughtful ideas for supporting friends and family who are grieving a death right now. Here are a few ways you can be of support:
- Do ask if you can help plan an online funeral
- Do ask if you can share happy memories
- Don’t ask, “how can I help” –this transfers the burden
- Do send a note, email, or text
- Don’t hound if you receive no response, give space
Have You Lost A Loved One During This Time?
This is what is happening with me. But what about you? Have you lost someone during this time? Someone dear to you? Or a friend? A colleague? A neighbor, or acquaintance? It doesn’t matter if it was from coronavirus because we’re all in the same boat, taken by surprise and deprived of the rituals that anchor us when death visits. How are you coping?
Coronavirus Around The World
People from around the world responded when I wrote about Coronavirus and My Family. I’m so grateful that you came to talk to me from your homes in South Korea, New Zealand, France, Ireland, England, Israel, and the US. During this time of isolation, you are a lifeline for me. So leave a comment and let me know how you’re holding up. I want to know how you’re doing. Hugs to you and all and stay safe!
Leah Knudson says
Dear Elana,
I am profoundly sorry for the loss that your family is experiencing right now. I am sending my love. Thank you so much for sharing this post and offering some ideas about how to best support others who have recently lost a loved one during this pandemic. May there soon be days ahead where it will be safe to gather in person with more of your loved ones and hug one another.
Love,
Leah
Elana says
Leah, what a sweet and thoughtful comment. Thank you so much.
Mary Ann says
Dear Elana, I’ve been reading your blog for five years after a hashimotos diagnosis. Thank you for every piece of valuable information and research. You are appreciated.
I’m finally writing today to say I’m deeply sorry for your loss of loved ones. I’ll be praying for you and for your back pain as well. “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may he make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, may he turn his face towards you and give you peace.” -Numbers 6:24-26 I believe He is Looking after you and He will continue to bless you during this difficult time.
Peace
Elana says
Mary Ann, thanks so much for your prayers. Very grateful for you.
joan nass says
I am so sorry for your loss. Keep healthy and strong for your family.
Elana says
Thanks so much Joan.
Joy Pulitzer says
Elana, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine how very difficult it must be to not be able to join family at this time. A dear friend’s husband passed away this week, and we too had to attend a virtual Shiva and not attend the funeral. Though being together via cyberspace was better than not being together, not being able to hug, to comfort, to physically share in the grief added to the pain. I wish for you and your family peace and comfort during this most difficult and devastating time.
Elana says
Joy, I hope you and Gary and the twins are staying safe. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope we can reconnect when this is all behind us. Hugs to you all.
Joy says
I hope so too. Sending hugs to all of you.
Rosemarie says
I am truly sorry for your loss, Elana. All life is precious; from the womb to the tomb.
You are loved and in my prayers. Rosemarie
Elana says
Thank you so much Rosemarie.
Flora Chavez says
Elana, I’m so sorry for what you have been going through and my deepest condolences on the the lost of your family member (bless his heart he was so young) and your friend…may their memory be for a blessing. I had not caught up with my emails due to going through isolation and health issues, and now that I’m feeling a little better, I find from your emails what you are going through and unfortunately there are many more people that are losing family and friends – as I’ve been reading their stories also. Just this week in commemorating the Shoa, I watched many videos of the many survivors that are still living and was very encouraged by their attitudes of not giving up and how their resilience and commitment to doing what is necessary to live including and especially their positive attitude which is beyond me, how they can have that at this time but made me think that if they were able to make it in such dire circumstances… we can also make it and thereby encourage others to make it also. We, your community need you, your resilience in light of what you have gone through and are going through…your bravery and empathy towards those of us that are also going through issues (as if that is not enough)… you and us are being “honed” like an Olympic competitor to run the course and to win. Just remember the treasures that you have to live for also…your kids and your husband (besides all of us your community that you are always helping). Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put some makeup on (not that you need it, girl, because you are a natural beauty inside and out, but because (from experience) it makes us feel better. Remember, what is eaten during the Sheva, lentils! to remind us that life is never ending and death is but a temporary illusion. We your community love you…you’re are our champion. :)
Elana says
Flora, this is one of the most incredible comments I have ever received. I have been focused on healing and recovering and moving forward, and will do so more smoothly with the love and support of you. Thank you.
Sue Michalka says
Awww, Elana, I am so sorry to hear of your sad news. My arms reach out for you … a virtual hug from my heart to yours. It seems that at this time of loss all the previous losses have come back to me … my father, my mother, my brother-in-law … all in the last few years. The ache is revived … and still hurts … but remember dear friend … time will help. It will not always be so raw. I want to share a sweet memory of mine when my own mother passed … My mother-in-law lived (& still lives – 100 yrs. on March 10th, 2020) with us and I was reflecting on the fact that I no longer had parents and she reached out her arms to me and said, “You’ve got me!” I fell into her arms and cried. Elana, my arms are reaching out to you, now, with a heart that is aching for you. Hang in there, my dear, there are people all over this world praying and reaching out to you.
Aloha,
Sue
Elana says
Sue, you are so kind and I am so blessed to be on this healing path with you. Thank you.
Teresa says
On April 15th a very dear friend passed away. He did not have covid19. He was Best man at our wedding. On April 17th we “celebrated” our 49th wedding anniversary with mixed emotions and many fond memories of our dear friend. Like you all of this was done long distance.
You and your family are in my prayers during this time of loss.
Elana says
Teresa, thanks for your kind words and so very sorry for your loss.
Coumba says
Sorry for your loss and to all the people who are facing this situation. My heart goes to you…
Elana says
Thanks Coumba.
Coumba says
I can’t imagine what people are going through when losing loved ones in this time ….l lost my mom months ago and l got support from friends and relatives: spending time with me…l still remember how goodl felt with them. Now, l am thinking: what would have happened to me if l didn’t have the support?
Elana says
Coumba, thanks for your supportive and thoughtful comment. So sorry for your loss.