Last week we dropped our younger son off at college. He’s a freshman at a school in Louisiana, a plane ride away from home here in Colorado. Our older son is a sophomore at a college in Philidelphia, an even longer plane ride away.
Time Flies
As trite as it sounds, it’s true. Time flies. The boys were in elementary school when I started writing and sharing recipes and healthy living tips here. Now they’ve flown the coop and the pantry is empty.
Cookies for No One
Who will I bake cookies for? Cookies for no one? My neighbors? So far folks in the ‘hood have gotten a lot of goodies and my husband is doing his share of cookie-consuming as well.
Two Decades of Hands-On Parenting
Two decades ago, on Labor day weekend, my older son was born. So our hands-on parenting is now wrapped up in a neat bundle of exactly twenty years. There’s still lots of distance parenting. We speak with the boys every weekend to check-in and offer our support. And I send care packages often.
The Empty Nest
I have so many feelings about this empty nest phase of life. I was sad to say goodbye to the boys. It was a physical feeling more than an emotion, like my heart was walking straight out of my chest. Additionally, I’m proud of them, and happy they’re entering this next phase of their lives. They’ve handled everything so smoothly and that gives me incredible joy. Oddly enough, I felt relief in launching them as well.
I Didn’t Mess Them Up!
The first part of my relief was a major exhale, “Wow, I didn’t mess them up!” If you’ve met me more than once, you know I’m a very neurotic Jewish woman with plenty of stress, trauma, and autoimmune disease in my background. My family has its fair share of Holocaust anguish in our lineage as well. Looking back, I’m relieved that the work I’ve done on myself over the years has cleared much angst from our family system and that a fair amount of this cycle has been successfully interrupted.
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Relief from the Parenting Marathon
My next sigh of relief was physical, as in, “Whoa! I’m really tired.” This hands-on parenting thing takes a lot of physical energy. While the boys were growing up, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, Hashimoto’s, Celiac Disease, and the BRCA genetic mutation. Energy has often been in short supply. So the second part of my relief was that I will have more time to look after myself.
What’s Next?
Before I had the boys I subscribed to the New Yorker and read voraciously. By the time I had two children under the age of 1½ I let go of that subscription. It was all I could do to read our local paper every day and keep up with the Sunday New York Times. Now I’ll also get back to my creative writing practice. After I graduated from Columbia, while I was working in environmental consulting full time and teaching yoga nights and weekends, I took a creative writing class at NYU. I also took one at Naropa when the boys were really little, just to get out of the house and have a bit of time to myself. Additionally, I’ll keep working to provide you with free healthy, low-carb recipes here!
Do You Have an Empty Nest?
Are you dealing with an empty nest? If so how do you cope? Leave a comment and let me know! Also, since I have more free time, I’d LOVE to hear which new recipes you’d like to see here on the blog!
Susan says
I loved being a hands on stay at home mom. Maybe it was daughters, but I think they spend some effort spreading a bit a misery just to make sure you really will let them jump the nest when the time comes! So I won’t lie, there might have been some cartwheels when the last one left. Today, I love being a stay at home caretaker of my wonderful husband who is still got his sleeves rolled up bringing home the bacon 50 hours a week along with managing our small farm and the animals and plants on it. Our five years of empty nesting–with occasional interruptions for the kids to make transitions in their life–as been fun and rewarding. Perhaps the secret is to look forward at the new possibilities rather than back on the highlights of the past.
I can’t wait to see where you go with your new daily priorities.
Elana says
Susan, your comment made me laugh out loud, loved the part about the cartwheels! Thanks for your support and so glad to be on this healing path with you :-)
Francesca @francescaverri.com says
Elena, what a great post! I have been following you for years, recommend you as a resource for all my clients, and have enjoyed making your sweet recipes (too-many-to-count). This post is so clever, heart-filled (as all of your posting is), and makes me feel hopeful. I have an 8 year old! Omg, a ways to go before we send her off to college but I can feel the sadness AND happiness in what you write and it makes me feel like…well… when Chloe takes flight in 10 years I’ll be ready, and so will she. Granted, I cry a little when she gets on the bus to start a new school year! Maybe getting it out now will help when it’s time for her to go to college?! lol. Or not… :)
Thanks for all you do, for being so open and transparent, and sharing so much. It is always helpful.
Elana says
Francesca, thanks for your wonderful comment and for sharing your own story here! You sound like an amazing mother :-)
Ro says
Ahhh, Elana, thank you for that – I needed to cry it out. I’m about to be an empty nester. My older son is at SUNY Upsate in New York in his second year of med school. And right now, we’re in Dublin, Ireland dropping off my youngest for a 6 year med school program. I feel happy and excited for him, but it feels like my life is ending. It’s not of course, it just feels that way.
My heart is heavy…
Elana says
Ro, my heart is heavy for you! Ireland is far away. Thanks for your comment and for being on this healing journey with me :-)
Dr. Dorine kramer says
I’m a long term empty nester at this point, but I had such a hard time for years after my two kids moved out, that eventually I ended up training as a life coach to help moms who are having a tough transition. Last year I even wrote a book about what I’d learned. I’m glad to see that you and so many of your readers are mostly positive about their experience. Both of my grown children are amazing, but live far away, and the time zone differences make speaking directly a challenge, so I hope yours end up closer to home when they finish their education.
A few years ago my daughter was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and more recently, I was also diagnosed, so now we both use your recipes–although I must admit, she’s much more consistent than I am. I have your cookbooks and I’m working my way through!
I have been wondering if you ever developed a recipe for chollah, or even resembling chollah. I’ve seen some using gluten free flour but not grain free flour. My kids are both home for some of the holidays this year and I would love to have a chollah my daughter can eat.
I appreciate all you do, Elana. You are so generous with your recipes and your wisdom. Thank you!
Elana says
Hi Dr. Dorine, thanks for your wonderful comment! Thankfully right now my boys are only a time zone or two away so staying in contact is fairly easy. I’m working on a challah recipe but need to perfect it before I can share :-)
Danae says
Hi elana, I’ve been a follower and owner of 2 of your cookbooks for years. There are some things I miss here’s a few ideas. Donuts-and a glaze option, pudding, pies. Thank you!
Elana says
Danae, I’m so happy to hear you are enjoying my cookbooks! Have you seen my Chocolate Donut recipe? I also have an amazing chocolate pudding pie recipe:
https://elanaspantry.com/chocolate-donuts/
https://elanaspantry.com/paleo-chocolate-pie/
Let me know if you have any other requests!
Thank you!
Elana
Laura says
Well, I do not have children, Mr Bubba was plenty enough to raise, hehe, and now he’s maturing into a very understanding man. We just celebrated year number 36. I made him a card, reminded him of a card I gave him in the 80s that said, “Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be.”
Then I wrote,” And I am having the time of my life. How about you…”?
So you need to take flight and flap your wings and lift off and soar. You can do anything your heart’s desire.
I have certainly enjoyed you sharing with us about the empty nest. Thank you so much.
Elana says
Laura, I’m so happy to hear from you and glad that you and Mr. Bubba are doing well!!!
Renee says
I sit and read this two days before we take our youngest (of four) to college. It is a day I have been dreading for years. Each time one of the kids leaves, they take a little piece of me with them. When we are all together I am whole again. My life has been dedicated to them and now I have to find ‘me’ again. In preparation for this time, I went back to school and now am a nutritional therapy practitioner. It is time to get the next phase of my life up and running.
I am looking forward to being a couple again and remembering what that was like. It is time for new beginnings for us.
Thanks for the conversation.
Ps. We have been making Black and White cake forever and it is the best!
Elana says
Renee, thanks for being part of this conversation with your incredible comment!
Melissa Bridgman says
I’m in the middle of early adolescence/beginning high school. Not at all convinced that I haven’t messed him up, but I think that’s the stage. So looking forward to a successful launch. I believe that bringing up responsible, well-adjusted adults is what it’s all about. Looking forward to that celebration. I hope you’ll celebrate, too. With admiration–
Elana says
Melissa, we are so sad and so happy! It’s quite an amazing time and we are definitely celebrating :-)
Kim says
Elana,
I have been thinking about you knowing that you were sending both boys off to college. It’s rough on the parents but rewarding when they settle in and are happy students . I was fortunate to have a son who called me to check in on a regular basis. I learned it was best to let him call me!
We all survived and thrived during college and now he is back and lives close by. I bribe him with a home cooked meal to come over! ( He cooks, and just the other day told me he prepared one of your recipes.)
Enjoy this time as college goes by quickly!
Hugs!
Elana says
Kim, thanks so much for your super sweet comment, great tips, and for sharing your story with me. I love that your son uses my recipes :-)
Linda says
Thank you for starting this conversation. These posts have prompted some good tears! I’m a new empty nester as well…three away at college. The oldest is a senior and the youngest (twins) are freshmen. Empty is such the key word. I feel much the same as you describe. It’s sobering to know that part of our parenting life is over. I took on a part time job this past spring so that I would have something to turn to when this time came. I’m working at a juice bar, managing teenagers and I really enjoy their company. There are many things I need to sharpen including spending quality time with my husband. We have, thankfully, raised three fun-loving, wise and thoughtful kiddos. I’m so excited and grateful that each of them have said they love their classes. I’m super proud of them. I can imagine thanksgiving holiday will be extra sweet :) thank you for being you!
Elana says
Linda, I’m so grateful to be having this conversation with you! I’m also enjoying getting to spend more quality time with my husband! Yes, I think Thanksgiving will be extra special this year :-)