Last week we dropped our younger son off at college. He’s a freshman at a school in Louisiana, a plane ride away from home here in Colorado. Our older son is a sophomore at a college in Philidelphia, an even longer plane ride away.
Time Flies
As trite as it sounds, it’s true. Time flies. The boys were in elementary school when I started writing and sharing recipes and healthy living tips here. Now they’ve flown the coop and the pantry is empty.
Cookies for No One
Who will I bake cookies for? Cookies for no one? My neighbors? So far folks in the ‘hood have gotten a lot of goodies and my husband is doing his share of cookie-consuming as well.
Two Decades of Hands-On Parenting
Two decades ago, on Labor day weekend, my older son was born. So our hands-on parenting is now wrapped up in a neat bundle of exactly twenty years. There’s still lots of distance parenting. We speak with the boys every weekend to check-in and offer our support. And I send care packages often.
The Empty Nest
I have so many feelings about this empty nest phase of life. I was sad to say goodbye to the boys. It was a physical feeling more than an emotion, like my heart was walking straight out of my chest. Additionally, I’m proud of them, and happy they’re entering this next phase of their lives. They’ve handled everything so smoothly and that gives me incredible joy. Oddly enough, I felt relief in launching them as well.
I Didn’t Mess Them Up!
The first part of my relief was a major exhale, “Wow, I didn’t mess them up!” If you’ve met me more than once, you know I’m a very neurotic Jewish woman with plenty of stress, trauma, and autoimmune disease in my background. My family has its fair share of Holocaust anguish in our lineage as well. Looking back, I’m relieved that the work I’ve done on myself over the years has cleared much angst from our family system and that a fair amount of this cycle has been successfully interrupted.
Relief from the Parenting Marathon
My next sigh of relief was physical, as in, “Whoa! I’m really tired.” This hands-on parenting thing takes a lot of physical energy. While the boys were growing up, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, Hashimoto’s, Celiac Disease, and the BRCA genetic mutation. Energy has often been in short supply. So the second part of my relief was that I will have more time to look after myself.
What’s Next?
Before I had the boys I subscribed to the New Yorker and read voraciously. By the time I had two children under the age of 1½ I let go of that subscription. It was all I could do to read our local paper every day and keep up with the Sunday New York Times. Now I’ll also get back to my creative writing practice. After I graduated from Columbia, while I was working in environmental consulting full time and teaching yoga nights and weekends, I took a creative writing class at NYU. I also took one at Naropa when the boys were really little, just to get out of the house and have a bit of time to myself. Additionally, I’ll keep working to provide you with free healthy, low-carb recipes here!
Do You Have an Empty Nest?
Are you dealing with an empty nest? If so how do you cope? Leave a comment and let me know! Also, since I have more free time, I’d LOVE to hear which new recipes you’d like to see here on the blog!
Diane says
Hugs Elana! Not yet dealing with empty nest, but dropped my older son off at college a couple of weeks ago. I am also in Boulder, and he’s a plane ride away in Ohio. Being a hands-on parent and very close to my kids, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t really hard, though I do have a younger son still at home. Our refrigerator is already teeming with food I need to compost as I can’t quite get used to the idea of buying and preparing much less food. My younger son is not nearly as adventurous with food, so my husband and I are missing enjoying delicious meals with a kid. And I can completely relate to breathing a sigh of relief re: not having messed up my kid. I also have the neurotic Jewish thing! I am glad my son is making the decisions for himself so that I don’t have to carry the question of whether I made the right decisions for him, and he is terrific at making decisions, which is a real treat to see. In any case, best to you in this new chapter.
Elana says
Diane, thanks for your awesome comment! I love that we are going through such similar things in the same town. It’s so comforting to know that we are on this journey together :-)
Anne says
I was surprised to learn that I wasn’t the only one to be relieved that I didn’t mess up my daughter! (I also celebrated each time she came home alive after being in a car). I had read a piece in the back of either Newsweek or Time about a mother completely breaking down, sitting on top of her son’s steamer trunk when they arrived at his college. I was determined to get out all my crying before that so that I would remain composed. I hadn’t expected my husband to break down when left her dorm . I heard strange sounds coming from him, as if he was trying to suppress a violent sneeze. I looked at him and it was clear he was going to sob out loud. There were students around and he would have been so embarrassed. I suggested we go to a more deserted spot where he could cry. Then I called a friend whose son had gone to college a few days earlier (his dorm was 30 minutes from home!!). That friend told my husband how he had sobbed for days after dropping off his son. Feeling normal, but intensely sad, we drove to our hotel and just sat with our sadness and loss. I know how hard this is for you, but I can assure you that you will eventually find that spending time to take care of yourself will prove to be a wonderful gift. It takes a long time to figure it out, but eventually you will feel normal and whole. Love to you.
Elana says
Anne, thanks for your super supportive and touching comment! I’m so grateful to be on this journey with such kind, caring, sensitive readers like you! ❤️
Tressa Hill says
Congratulations on your successful “launch” of your sons into college! That is a huge a milestone for all!
I don’t have an empty nest but with two high-schoolers with various activities that keep them traveling and away from the house and an elementary school child who also has many activities, I am getting glimpses of what it will look and feel like when the older ones are up and out – it will be bittersweet indeed.
I am gluten-intolerant and have turned to your recipes countless times since I discovered you a year ago. Your recipes gave me hope and I bought all of your cookbooks and love them!
You are inspiring and creative and seem to have boundless energy! I so appreciate your creativity and the love you obviously put in your recipes. I especially appreciate that you post your recipes for free – I was traveling and was desperate to cook something I could eat and remembered your site – life saver!!
I love to share the recipes with my children in hopes that they will take pleasure in their food memories without feeling like they are sacrificing taste or “fun” and will one day be inspired to create their own healthy meals.
I would love to see meals that can be made ahead or in a crock pot. I work full time and am always looking for healthy and interesting meals that I can whip up quickly.
Thank you, thank you and much love!
Elana says
Tressa, I think this is one of the most thoughtful, heartfelt comments I’ve ever received, it feels like we’ve met in person! I’m so happy to hear that you are enjoying all of my cookbooks and I will get to work on crockpot recipes for you –are recipes in the InstantPot ok as well? Thank again for your beautiful comment!
Beth says
Hi Elana
I can relate to your situation. My daughter has graduated from college this past Spring, but will be living here while searching for a “real” job in her field of graphic design. She’s a young adult so we try not to meddle with her schedule. And my son just started his second year of college. He goes to school about 1 1/2 hour from here. He’s in the college marching band so my husband and I go to all the home games. It gets us out of the house and we love seeing the kids enjoying their youth. Invariably I bring him food every weekend. Last year he struggled to eat healthy with cafeteria food. And being a mother like you who cooks everything from scratch he’s gotten used to eating well. So now we pack coolers with food and casserole for him and his roommates. I can’t have the boys going hungry :) thanks for sharing your story.
Elana says
Beth, thanks for your lovely comment! So amazing that you bring your son coolers of good, homemade food! Wish we lived close enough to do that :-)
Thomas Baldwin says
I hear what you are saying it must be of some joy that your kids have chosen to continue their education.
I flew the coop 60 years ago,I am the youngest of ELEVEN so my AWESOME Mother went thru it Eleven times,and at some point in time I spoke to my Mother about it. And this is what she said to me,your Father and I made sure you had a roof over your head. And all the food you could eat,gave you a bed to sleep in with clean sheets and a blanket to stay warm. Made sure you went to a good grad school and made sure you took a bath. WE gave you all that you needed including teaching you right form wrong,good and bad and hope you would make good decisions and we stood beside you with all of them,and the front door will always be open if you need anything.
The one thing I missed even though I thought I knew it was from my Father, ON his death bed just as he took his last breath looking up from his bed HE said this to me,HE looked me in the eyes and said ( TOM I LOVE YOU ) and as far as I can ever remember that was the only time in my life he said that to me. I know both of my parents did all they could do with what they had.
SO my thought for you is that their Father walk up to both of them and give each of them a hug and tell them when ever possible SON I LOVE YOU,and do it as often as possible. They will always remember your goodies and will remember their DAD always saying to them them that he loved them. Showing them proves your love….saying it will always mean more. May you find comfort in knowing and hearing you did a good job,may God Bless and keep all of you safe
Elana says
Thomas, your comment is so authentic and beautiful that it made me cry. I am so amazingly blessed to be on this healing life path with you. Thanks for sharing your story here, I am so incredibly grateful :-)
Micki says
A few months after becoming an empty nester, I also lost my partner to multiple myeloma. That was rough. Luckily my son had chosen a local school. The first two years, he lived on campus and came home on weekends. Then he decided to commute from home starting this fall. Interestingly, the hardest thing for both of us to adjust to being was food. College cafeteria didn’t offer the type of healthy and wholesome food he was used to eating. He felt constantly hungry and undernourished. For me, I didn’t feel motivated to cook as often as I used to with just me to feed. For this practical reason alone, I feel a bit relieved that we’re now giving ourselves a couple of more years for a transition to a true empty nest to come. Yes, I did begin reading again, and a little more time for music and sewing. Such a bitter sweet time, isn’t it?
Elana says
Micki, thanks so very much for sharing your experience, that sounds like a super rough and intense transition. I hope you’ll keep me posted on how you’re doing, and glad we’re on this journey together :-)
Lori says
Not an empty nester, but since my daughter finished grad school three years ago…between her work, friends, etc, she’s literally only home to sleep. My hub and I feel like we’ve already gone through the empty nest feelings! Now the house is filling up with stuff for her ‘future’ house, ha. Kind of looking forward to seeing her get a place and start her own nest. I plan to ‘donate’ (aka purge) my house of all the things I don’t need anymore!
I just love your thin mint cookie recipe, it’s the best never-fail-to-please recipe ever!! and the pecan cookie recipe.
Elana says
Lori, thanks for sharing your experience here! I am so lucky to have you in this amazing community of people! I’m also starting to purge our house a bit and tidy things up now that the boys are off. So happy to hear that my Thin Mint cookies are the best never-fail-to-please recipe ever. Here’s that link for other readers that might like to try it:
https://elanaspantry.com/paleo-thin-mints/
Thanks again!
Elana
Lori says
Elana, I lost my head yesterday in that post…the all time favorite recipe is your brownie recipe! I have four batches baking in the oven at this moment. My hubby LOVES them in his lunches at work, and he’s no health foodie, so this recipe is the winner in our house. To save time, I mix up several batches of dry ingredients in the food processor, then store in the fridge until I can bake them up. The brownies freeze great, taste fantastic frozen.
Elana says
Lori, thanks so much!
Vanessa says
I had tears as I was reading your post! I still have a high school junior, but I work from home so since she started school and my sophomore son went back to college, it’s been lonely. I keep telling myself that we’re the lucky ones. I have friends whose sons didn’t make it through the first year of college (it’s a tough age & I don’t think a lot of kids are ready for the transition). It helps that he’s thriving and working toward a bright future. Coincidentally, the first night that it was just me and my husband for dinner (since my son had left for college & my daughter was off at her activities), I made your sesame noodles (the kelp noodles)! I loved them so much that I made them the next night too! This time, it was just my daughter & I while my husband was at a work event. So I’m relying on your recipes for my “smaller nest” dinners as I work my way through your fabulous cookbook! Love, love, love your recipes & everything else you share!
Elana says
Vanessa, thanks for your comment! I’m so lucky to be on this amazing life path with people like you! I’m thrilled to hear that you’re relying on my recipes for your “smaller nest” dinners and that you love, love, love my recipes and everything I share :-)
Cathy says
Our nest has been empty for several years already. Our three kids have grown up, married, moved far away, and are having grandchildren. One of those is near you, relatively speaking, in Colorado. They’re all in the States, while we live in Canada. Like you, I’m proud of the adults our children have become. I’m also very thankful that we’re able to travel to see them as much as we do.
This weekend, I share a different major milestone with you in that we’ve just sold our family home that we built 25 years ago and that our children grew up in. They don’t get “home” very often, and we are away so much that there was no point in continuing with the upkeep. So, I’ll be setting up in a new-to-me, smaller kitchen from which to cook gluten free recipes.
I’m sure you’ll find plenty to do in your extra time. It’s surprising how much time even those weekly calls can take up!
Elana says
Cathy, thanks for your comment and congratulations on selling the family home! That must have been an incredibly difficult decision and I hope the transition is super smooth for you :-)
Mary says
I’m not dealing with long-term empty nest syndrome (coupled with retirement due to Crohn’s and other maladies) well at all. There are days I feel joy at having my faithful Black Lab companion and we go out to play in the park(s) and days like today where I feel utterly useless except for being a maid/chef for my husband. He’s away during the day, comes home, eats his dinner and falls asleep every night while I clean up after dinner. The weekends he spends in the woods, clearing brush and roads in preparation for hunting season. We have a daughter on the West Coast and a son who lives here in our state, but far enough away so that getting together with him takes an act of congress. I’m always lonely!
I, too, am a writer – but I have run out of words from the dearth of human interaction.
Love your thoughts, Elana!
Elana says
Mary, thanks for your comment and for sharing your story, so touching. I spend a lot of time with my cat so I can relate! I hope you’ll stay in touch here and keep me posted on how you’re doing :-)