Nothing. That’s right. Nothing is wrong with me. I’ve stopped asking myself this question. Stopped asking “what’s wrong with me?” when I feel tired. Stopped asking it when I feel sick. Stopped asking it when everything is not going according to my generally high expectations.
Something shifted after I created the post, A Piece of Me. Committing pen to paper to write about the health issues that I’ve dealt with during the last year made my own reality more poignant. My health challenges became a little less abstract, and started to come into focus on an emotional level.
In becoming more in touch with my own reality, I began to disassociate from myself less, and started to directly address my needs more. Am I tired? Lie down for half an hour. Am I sore? Go in the infrared sauna for 10 minutes. I started to meet myself where I was, instead of where I wanted to be.
I think everyone who is sick wonders, “what’s wrong with me?” For the most part, it’s a natural response. We want to fix what is out of balance. But sometimes “what’s wrong with me?” can be an attacking question, rather than a healing one. And I figured out that attacking myself isn’t going to heal anything. In fact, on a holographic level, it’s simply training my body-mind to attack itself, which is in fact, the definition of an autoimmune disease.
Another wonderful discovery came from writing A Piece of Me. As I read through thousands of messages that you wrote on the blog, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and email, I spent a lot of time absorbed in the goodness of your blessings and well wishes. And the result was that your incredible responses truly helped me learn to be with myself in a nicer, gentler way. The love you expressed to me was incredibly impactful. In fact, it was life changing.
So thanks from the bottom of my heart for your remarkable comments and your outpouring of support, kindness, empathy, and prayers. I am so lucky to have you my dearest readers. We have created such an amazing community here and it has helped to guide me in my healing journey. I only hope that I provide as much support to you, as you all have given to me!
Amy Merideth says
Sending you 46 years of love, Elana. I wish I could pack up good healing vibes as easily as Anne and I packed up washcloths and underwear to move in with you so long ago!
Dealing with my brain tumor residuals for the past 10 years has taught me that letting go of what I want to be and accepting what I am is much harder than the physical challenges.
Thanks for your post.
xoxox
Amy
Zahia says
Your words really touch me. You are beautiful and so open.Despite what you are going through, you find the time and effort to do this wonderful blog. Wow…I admire you!
Thank you for all you are and do.
Melissa Joulwan says
Hey, Elana. I know we don’t interact much, but I want you to know: I just think the world of you. So much respect and admiration for how you share with your audience, and take care of yourself and your family. Thanks for being awesome you.
Val Lynn says
So beautiful, Elana. Thank you for sharing your story.
jenny says
We miss you and wishing you much positive energy and healing.
Lisa says
Hi.
You must have just posted. Thank you for being honest about what is going on with you health wise. Of course, I do not expect you to share but I am truly grateful you decided to do so. Let’s just say I can relate to the picture above. I have had things going on with me the last year and now that I look back probably my entire life. However, nothing came full circle until last year. I got hit really hard. Every little symptom I have ever experienced my entire life hit me all at once. It took me months to climb out of it. I actually came to your blog and would read your words. At times, it kept me hanging on. I figured out what was going on. I am still not great but better than I was last year at this time and for that I am grateful. It wasn’t until then that I looked back on my physical life and thought…wow..I think I have had this since I was a young child. You have no idea how much your words have comforted me. I think of you often. I have learned many things from you. There are words of yours that come to my mind from time to time and I must keep them in my heart to use when needed most. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your precious time and your heart.
Beate says
The ups and downs with an AI illness is something I had a hard time to accept too. It took me years to “go with the flow” and just slow down when a deep valley hits me. Being a person who wants to achieve things with pure will myself, this was the hardest lesson to learn. My mantra during hard times? Just close your eyes and go through it, there’ll be a guide.
Anna says
I thank you too Elana. What you said now really resonates with me. For reasons unlike yours, I feel far from optimal. And I have realized that I can only be where I am now, rather than yearning for some imaginary ideal state off in the future. I fear it is hard on those around me. But at the moment there is no other way.
Monica says
So glad to see a post from you. I admire you and wish you the best health possible! Take care of yourself. :)
Nicole says
Hi, I enjoy your site very much and leave your two cookbooks out on the counter these days because I cook from them so often (the bacon tart was recently a big hit with the cohabitant who used to claim he didn’t like quiche but now has changed his mind).
Your post reminded me of this excellent New Yorker piece from a few years back:
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/08/26/whats-wrong-with-me
Of course, it seems that you’ve already figured out how to answer the question in the best possible way, and thank you for the welcome reminder that I (and all of us) can do the same.