Recently a friend told me she was splitting up with her husband. I wasn’t sure what to say initially and an awkward silence ensued. I didn’t want to reply with something silly or insensitive. But when she referred to the elongated silence, I blurted out the only thought in my head, “mating for life is unnatural.”
These musings are for anyone who is married, divorced, or single.
Marriage is not easy. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years so saying this comes from a decent amount of experience. Being single is not easy. I remember that too, even though we met when I was 24 years old. I’m writing this for all of you looking at a screen, wondering why your life, or relationship isn’t as good as what you see looking back. And I can tell you one thing. It’s not real, it’s a picture.
I don’t want anyone to think that my life is perfect. Sure, I enjoy putting my best foot forward here. But that’s so I can provide you, my readers with a calm, kind, and comforting refuge in the sea of food allergies and health issues that so many of us confront each day.
The fact is though, that my life is messy. I have health issues that I deal with. I have teenagers that I argue with routinely, and a husband that I’ve fought with far more than my fair share. Things aren’t always smooth. Sometimes they aren’t ever smooth. Still, it’s my life. I’m taking ownership of it, which in my worldview is the most important thing.
This summer I turn 50. This impending milestone has made me a bit more pensive than usual. It’s also helped me to focus on simplicity and be grateful for all that I have. So thank you for being here and reading this. I’m so glad we are connected and healing together, working day-in-and-day-out to make the world a better place.
Donna says
Dear Elana, I enjoyed reading your “Turning 50” post very much and admire your honesty in writing about your marriage and family! Thank you! I would think everyone will be able to relate to what you said.
Also, I make your Low-Carb Zucchini Bread 2 or 3 x’s a month! It’s a good recipe! A big thanks to you!
Elana says
Donna, thanks so much for your lovely comment, I really appreciate it. I’m so happy to hear you are enjoying my Low-Carb Zucchini Bread. Here’s a link to the recipe in case other readers would like to make it too:
https://elanaspantry.com/low-carb-zucchini-bread/
Thanks again Donna!
Elana
Gwen says
Love this post! I feel as I age my friends are putting more and more expectations on their partners that are unrealistic.
Elana says
Thanks Gwen! I totally agree :-)
Tanya says
And Elana !! Happy Birthday !! Sorry I pressed post comment and hadn’t finished lol! Enjoy!
Elana says
Thanks Tanya! Hugs to you :-)
Tanya says
Elana I have been a long time follower, and have every single one of your cookbooks. I admire your blog and have made many of your recipes. I have struggled with auto immune issues/health issues and have found much needed info within your pages that I was able to maneuver through and personalize for myself. My journey hasn’t been easy, I socially isolate myself when I am struggling with my health (a flare) because for me this works. It is my safe zone, I only have energy to do the simple things like yoga, take care of my three kids, keep up with the laundry, make them healthy clean meals on top of my “special” need meals…..etc …who has time to socialize after exhausting ones energy on the every day family / personal things that need prioritizing. And to be honest I am just as happy because over the years I find I am leaning more towards being a loner, yes I have amazing friends, but I am drawn to quiet sounds of my own breath, the shuffling of my own feet walking, I welcome the complete silence of my own space. I find this very healing and nurturing for my soul. My husband has been supportive through every up and down of my health journey, but it hasn’t been easy, as I have evolved from a social butterfly to a more refined undeniable quieter happier sole. As the (teen) kids get older and more responsible I begin to find my way creeping deeper into my yoga and Pilates and more selfishly aware of my needs. I don’t feel guilty,for the very first time in my life I find it liberating to find myself, as I’ve given myself selflessly to my families needs over the years. I am 48 and creeping towards 50, I look back on my years and am proud of what each year provided for my growing soul. So hold tight onto this number Elana because you certainly have earned every amazing year prior. You have accomplished so much and have offered so much to our community. I am grateful for your raw honesty and vulnerable post. Social media can depict the glorious and the wonderful when in reality there can be many growing tears behind those smiles. Thanks for keeping this real ??❤️
Elana says
Tanya, wow! What incredible words you have shared. I relate to them in so many ways. Thank you for an amazing comment :-)
Stephanie says
Would you ever let your hair Grey?
Elana says
Stephanie, it’s fairly grey in the front already. I haven’t decided if I’ll keep it that way or color it :-)
Susan says
Happy Birthday Elana! You are such an inspiration! Today is my 1 year anniversary of my MS diagnosis and I stopped coloring my hair once I was diagnosed. I am 43 and the grays are starting to sprout. What would you use?
Elana says
Susan, same here! The front of my hair is going grey. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to color it :-)
Hollis says
Elana,
Thank you for sharing with such openness your personal thoughts on what’s behind that “perfect picture” you can present–which, as you say, is the messiness embodied in all of our messy and challenging lives.
If you do decide to color your hair, I’d urge you take a look at Hairprint, which is an ingenious, very effective, and extremely safe alternative to traditional hair coloring products, even so-called “alternative” ones. I’ve tried it and was very pleased with the results. And, as someone who is extremely, extremely sensitive to so many things, I had absolutely no ill effects, due to its ingredients being so few and so natural. Check it out!
Elana says
Hollis, thanks so much for your comment and also for sharing your favorite hair coloring product!
Joan Oldale-LaPoint says
This response is actually well after your birthday, but happy belated! I have always looked at every year I have achieved as a badge of honor. They are part of my life and to be reveled in. I started getting gray hair in my dark brown locks in my late 20’s, here and there in the front, in the exact same placement and timing as my mom. Many people – strangers even, and students I taught at school, would accost me about NOT covering my grays. It was very clear that THEIR issues with aging was showing; my hair looked fine – actually looked like someone had put highlights in it. I refused to color it. Partially because I don’t have quite enough vanity to make the step, but also because my hair grows AT LEAST an inch a month. Knowing me and again, low vanity levels, I knew there was no way I was going to ever keep up with roots. I’d rather fly my gray hair banner proudly than try to dye it and end up always having roots showing. Anyways – fast forward to me approaching 51 and being a recent widow, I DID decide to dye my hair. Only it is in select pieces and different , fun shades of blue and purple, all non toxic dyes. I choose not to try and hide my grays and age, but to have fun with them. I have been known to refer to myself as a new kind of “blue haired old lady” (basically for the joke factor, not that I consider myself an old lady yet). Thank you for your work and posts.
Elana says
Joan, thanks for sharing so much of yourself in this beautiful comment :-)
Judy says
Happy Birthday! Most of all, thank you for taking the time to share your recipes, and health experiences. Many of us have health issues, and enjoy the recipes you’ve kindly posted for us. We do appreciate it.
Elana says
Judy, you’re very welcome!
Bill Styler says
Happy birthday, Elena. I a true Davis native, turning 67 this month, and looking at 43 years of marriage. I hope younger folks take your wise words to heart. Truly, marriage is not easy. It is obvious from reading comments over the years that your sharing of many aspects of your life experience, thoughtful insight, and upbeat suggestions (not to mention delicious recipes) have helped so many people. I often smile when I read your column.
With gratitude,
Bill
Elana says
Bill, greetings to you in Davis! What a fantastic town. I grew up there and have such fond memories of it. Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them :-)
Jill Johnson says
Happy 50th, Elana!!!! Yes, cherish EVERY single moment of LIVING. Life is NOW. You have been an inspiration to me for the last few years, as one of the first AWESOME and SIMPLE gluten free resources I found. I have much compassion and empathy for your journey with health as well. I lost my health earlier this year and more fully understand other peoples struggles now. I am grateful for you!
You’re a ROCKSTAR in my book.
Happy Birthday!
Jill
Elana says
Jill, thanks for your wonderful words and birthday wishes, they mean the world to me :-)
Jill Johnson says
You are so welcome! You deserve a wonderful Birthday and a wonderful year ahead! God bless you and your family, and many blessings to you all.
c says
Wow. You nailed it Elana!
Elana says
C, thanks so much!
Blaithin says
Happy 50th Elana! I very much admire your willingness to share your life journey and how you have shared how you have coped with your health concerns. It has been inspiring to me, as I came across your website after learning I had type 2 diabetes at 34 on top of a chronic pain condition as a result of a injury and surgery I wish I had never gotten a few years before, preventing me from continuing to work just as I finished graduate school. Life is messy and it often doesn’t go as planned. But reading how you researched and advocated for yourself, trying nutritional diets to support your health when you experienced resistance and lack of support has helped me- and sometimes when I feel frustrated, insecure, lacking power or agency, I remind myself of your story. So, like many others who have said it, I wanted to thank you.
I was struck by your thought that monogamy isn’t natural. These, of course, are your thoughts and on your blog where others come to read what you are thinking. Respectfully disagreeing though, I find myself thinking that while there are social scientists (and others) argue monogamy might not always the best strategy, its the definition of natural. I’m speaking as a single person, but one who has studied psychology and animal research. Monogamy may not be for everyone- but within the animal kingdom there are multiple species that demonstrate it. And others that are anything but. From both a comparison of human behavior/anatomy to other animals, it would appear humans overall engage in a mixed strategy towards coupling- including monogamy. And obviously we tend to think of long term monogamy as being a norm of human relationships, while also knowing this is often not the case. When it does happen, it happens for a variety of reasons- cultural, personal desires, financial, etc. Just because something is a struggle doesn’t mean it’s not natural.
I cheer your point that we tend to view others as more put together, more successful, just “more” than what we feel about our insecurities. Breaking that illusion and being more genuine is healthier for all. Looking up to people is common but appreciating them for their humanness rather than their supposed superhumanness is far more teachable. So thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and genuine.
Your picture reminds me the one area I am struggling most at the moment to implement is add a physical routine that works for me as I am now and I will do regularly. I know for my long term health it’s essential. You look wonderful and active in it.
Lastly. It was your eggnog recipe that restored my sense of true agency in my diet once again. And stopped me from feeling a sense of loss that would have come from losing that Christmas tradition for me. Food is such an important part of each social culture.
So again- I hope you have a fantastic 50th birthday and year!
Elana says
Blaithin, thanks so much for your super insightful words! I guess it may all come down to the way in which we define the word “natural.” Are we using it in the way Hobbes did, as in life is naturally “nasty, brutish and short.” Or in the way Roseau used it, whereby living in a natural state is to be uncorrupted by society. Oh goodness, so much philosophical food for thought! I especially enjoyed this part of your comment: “Looking up to people is common but appreciating them for their humanness rather than their supposed superhumanness is far more teachable.” I have truly enjoyed your thoughtful words. What a treat :-)