Recently a friend told me she was splitting up with her husband. I wasn’t sure what to say initially and an awkward silence ensued. I didn’t want to reply with something silly or insensitive. But when she referred to the elongated silence, I blurted out the only thought in my head, “mating for life is unnatural.”
These musings are for anyone who is married, divorced, or single.
Marriage is not easy. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years so saying this comes from a decent amount of experience. Being single is not easy. I remember that too, even though we met when I was 24 years old. I’m writing this for all of you looking at a screen, wondering why your life, or relationship isn’t as good as what you see looking back. And I can tell you one thing. It’s not real, it’s a picture.
I don’t want anyone to think that my life is perfect. Sure, I enjoy putting my best foot forward here. But that’s so I can provide you, my readers with a calm, kind, and comforting refuge in the sea of food allergies and health issues that so many of us confront each day.
The fact is though, that my life is messy. I have health issues that I deal with. I have teenagers that I argue with routinely, and a husband that I’ve fought with far more than my fair share. Things aren’t always smooth. Sometimes they aren’t ever smooth. Still, it’s my life. I’m taking ownership of it, which in my worldview is the most important thing.
This summer I turn 50. This impending milestone has made me a bit more pensive than usual. It’s also helped me to focus on simplicity and be grateful for all that I have. So thank you for being here and reading this. I’m so glad we are connected and healing together, working day-in-and-day-out to make the world a better place.
Anitra says
Happy birthday my friend, who I have never met. You inspire and uplift me in ways you may never know. I admire your tenacity and drive to spread help, love, and joy throughout this world we all share.
Elana says
Anitra, thanks for your beautiful comment my friend :-)
kim says
Happy birthday Elana. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing with us, whether it is about health or relationships. Thank you for bringing us all a little bit closer to each other.
Elana says
Kim, you’re welcome!
Laurel Hunter says
I love this post. It’s so easy to look to the media or internet and feel like, wow, my life is not all that. We don’t post selfies of our husbands drinking beers in their underwear, of the fat that has accumulated around our midsections, or advertise to our social media followers, boy I really blew it today! We share the highlights of our lives, loves, and careers. Yet, so many of us compare our lives against impossible standards of the media and internet. It’s refreshing for someone to come right out and say, “It’s not real. It’s a picture.” Because life isn’t perfect. Not for any of us. Thank you, Elana, for your honesty and letting your followers know that the beautiful work you put forward is a compilation–snapshots of the good stuff–and for putting that great work forward to help your followers navigate their “messy” lives. So great to know I’m getting my information from a real human! Wishing you a fabulous 50th birthday and a healthy and happy year year to come.
Elana says
Laurel, thanks for totally getting everything I wrote in this post! It’s great to connect with you :-)
Linda says
I totally agree on the mating is not meant for life. Yet many of us make it so. Some because of their religion, some because of social convention or construct, some for financial reasons, children, family pressure…and some of us just remember the commitment we made ( wether the government said it was legal or not! ) and prefer what we have to what we would lose if we parted. I think for women who have children, especially, many of us have actually chosen to stay with our partners, consciously, waiting for them to catch up with us and the growth becoming a mother brings.
It’s the same with aging, some people actually decide to hang on for that wild ride, to grow and experience all the pain and joy and wisdom that comes as you grow older. We want to be present for the changes we go through in body and mind, to stick with who we are as we age. Others chose not to do this, to chase youth and ignore the women they are growing, hating her greying hair, the softening skin, the changing body and mind.
It’s harder work to stay and make things work, it’s harder work to trust your body and mind as she ages and changes. It’s ok to walk away from both if that’s what you need, but it’s also ok to stay and defy convention in all areas!
Enjoy your 50s!!!
Elana says
Linda, thanks for your incredible comment and wisdom!
mary says
Wow wow wow –what a wonderful reflection, Linda. You are so very very wise.
Betsy (DeSantis) Lucht says
In yoga I practice the warrior asanas for opening the heart and developing courage, to stay focused in the midst of pressures and challenges, for inner strength, and opening up to myself and others. Your are a warrior. You’ve shared your vulnerabilities and your strengths with the world. That takes courage. Every relationship is a challenge at some time and takes work whether it be between best friends or our partners. Yes, our lives are messy. We are complicated creatures. Someday your teens will be mature adults and will understand the trials a family unit experiences. Our marriages and families at times bring extreme challenges. I visited my rheumatologist again today and he told me my shoulders sound like a bowl of Rice Crispies. I’m almost 71 and I have gained so much from reading your blog and trying your recipes. Thank you for opening up your life and sharing. Happy 50th birthday! Take a deep breath and strike a warrior asana.
Elana says
Betsy, what an awesome comment! Thanks for being in the asana of life itself with me :-)
Susan says
Oh, and if that’s Boulder in the photo, I can’t wait…going there for the first time next July!
Would love to get some restaurant recommendations from you (I’m plant-based primal, not AIP.)
Elana says
Susan, yes, that is Boulder in the photo! Here’s a link to my Boulder restaurant recommendations:
https://elanaspantry.com/gluten-free-restaurants-in-boulder/
Enjoy!
Elana
Susan says
So well stated, Elana. You are beautiful and look more like low 30’s to me!
Elana says
Susan, thank you so much! That is very sweet :-)
Elle says
Thanks for sharing that Elana. Most of us go thru phases where we feel alone with whats happening in our lives. We often feel like it is our own fault. Something about knowing that others go through the same challenges and somehow deal with it. Fortunately some of us know we have choices, but instead just hang in there. For those who have no choice just vent with your internet friends and enjoy Elana’s words of wisdom.
Elana says
Elle, thanks so much for your kind words :-)
N says
Feeling the love and gratitude.
Thank you.
NASC
Elana says
N, thanks for being a regular reader and for all of your incredible comments! I’m so glad that we are connected here :-)
Jennifer says
What a wonderful thought: Expressive and helpful. I’m turning 59 in a month or two and it seems that we never get it done. There is always something around the corner, whether enjoyable or not seems to be in the attitude. I am single now and have never been married. I have many nieces, nephews, and great nieces and nephews but no kids or grandkids. Sometimes this feels lonely but most of the time it’s fine. I enjoy my own company and I have some very good friends. Your writings are truly inspiring to me. Thank You!
Elana says
Jennifer, thanks so much for your wonderful comment! I’m so glad we are on this journey together :-)