I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2006. Although my life has taken many twists and turns since then, I’ve kept my chin up with my own brand of spectacularly relentless optimism.
Recently though, after taking our first family vacation in two years, I was feeling a bit down. Prior to this trip I hadn’t been well enough get on an airplane and travel much, so my husband and the boys had been vacationing without me, which I fully supported. I don’t think it makes sense for others to be deprived due to my limitations.
However, when we returned from our trip, I wasn’t feeling awesome. Some of my symptoms had increased and I felt somewhat anxious about that. I felt grumpy that instead of working out to feel good, I was digging myself out of a hole. It doesn’t really make much sense on a rational level, and yet, a lot was stirred up within me. I think travel does that to many people whether we’re dealing with chronic health issues or we’re in perfect physical shape.
In any event, to clear my head, I went down to our basement to have some quiet time. I wanted to move and stretch and do gentle yoga. As my mind cleared and my anxiety died down, I was filled with new feelings that were not familiar to me.
In my typical world outlook, everything has a reason. Even the smallest events have meaning, and my life is filled with purpose. But, for a few minutes, I let that view unravel and allowed my mind to wander. As my thoughts moved around, I wondered, what if I have this illness for no reason at all? What if I’m sick and it simply sucks? What if there are no lessons to learn? What if this isn’t supposed to make me a better person? How can I make any sense at all of the damage this disease has done to me, and by extension to my family?
For a few short minutes I let myself feel the weight of having been diagnosed with this serious neurological condition that we refer to as multiple sclerosis. I let myself truly understand the reality of it. From that I finally permitted myself to utter a silent complaint, and I fully came to terms with the fact that I don’t enjoy dealing with the limitations, complications, and baggage that hitchhike along with MS. The worst thought of the bunch swimming through my head? What if I don’t get well? Ever?!
In those few minutes, with all of those questions splashing around the ocean of my mind, it was the perfect time to stop thinking and let the tears sprout from my eyes and splatter across my face.
Then something happened. In letting go of my iron-willed optimism I was able to grieve a bit, and it felt good to be sad. It felt congruent. I had let go of some stubborn determination which was covering up anger and more than a touch of perfectionism. I had admitted to myself, that I don’t like this. In fact, I don’t like any part of it!
I’m totally ready to let go of this disease if that can happen. I work towards that end every single day in everything I do, from carving out enough time for sleep, to eating well, and getting just the right amount of exercise, along with prayer and affirmation. At the same time, I’m also ready to deal with whatever comes my way.
I’m relieved that I’m no longer forcing myself to pretend that I’m ok with the burden of this disease, because there’s nothing ok about living with a disability like MS. It’s awful for me, in ways that I will not go into here. It’s equally rough for my husband and children. They are tasked with the incongruity of watching a loved one suffer from a major illness, while carrying on with the normality of their everyday lives.
Jayme S Race says
03 December 2016
Hi Elana,
I, like everyone – who knows about you via your website and books – loves you!
I have a couple of suggestions – hopefully, this email and reference links are something new regarding your MS condition.
Questions – Have your been tested for chemical toxicity and heavy metals such as aluminum and mercury? Do you gave mercury dental fillings? What are the results of your most recent blood test? Why not publish the results on your website for others to comment and make some suggestions?
Warm regards, Jayme S Race
Elana says
Thanks so much Jayme! I talk about that in this post:
https://elanaspantry.com/new-approaches-to-neurological-conditions/
Have an incredible day!
Elana
Thomas P. Ciano says
Thank you for this very nice article. I love your emails and am always especially interested in your recipes. I too am afflicted with a life ending disease; I have AML leukemia, and I am under constant treatment. Your comments here resonated with me, and gave me some new sense of perspective and hope. Yes, it is a daily struggle, and one that you cannot yield to for one moment.
Thank you and keep up the good fight.
Tom C, Saint Simons Island, GA.
Elana says
Thanks for your very touching words Thomas!
Sarah says
You are helping so many of us with your knowledge and recipes. Sending you tons of healing wishes. I think sometimes accepting what you have is part of staying in the path of doing all the right things. You almost have to “face the dragon” from time to time and then it won’t be as scary.
Thank you for sharing this personal story.
Elana says
What wonderful words of wisdom Sarah! Thanks for sharing them with me :-)
Zuleika says
Dear Elana, I wish you much strength and wisdom with your struggle with MS. I enjoy your website and recipes and pray that God will heal you as he has done in my life.
I survived an extreme car accident when I was 21 and since them I have dealt with many health issues including Depression, IBS/GERD and Adrenal Fatigue just to name a few. Throughout the years I tried so many medications and therapies of all sort but still I couldn’t find the profound healing and the peace I needed.
Only when I called out to GOD and understood according to the bible that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and that Jesus heals every sickness and disease everything changed. As GOD taught me the origin of sickness and diseases, the spiritual attacks one faces and how to deal with it all when it knocks on your door I have come to understand so much not only in the area of health but on all fields of life.
I have since then always declared the biblical scriptures that “my body is the temple of GOD and that I’m healed by the blood of Christ” and that “no weapon formed against me shall prosper or succeed in Jesus’s name”.
It has not been easy to reach to the point to know that there is a GOD and believe he exists but it is to really only follow, listen and live with him in this hectic world we live in today where everyone knows it all. I chose for GOD and am thankful for taking this step in my life as it has been my salvation & healing recovery ever since.
God bless you and your family.
Elana says
Thanks Zuleika.
Javonni says
Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me, and give me renewed hope and cheer.(Ps. 94:19 From The Book) I pray this helps.
Elana says
Thanks Javonni!
Marian Long says
According to Doug Kaufman of knowthecause.com, autoimmune diseases are caused by fungus. He recommends a grain free and very low sugar diet because fungus feeds off of carbs. Besides the diet taking natural anti-fungals help my 3 autoimmune diseases tremendously. It is the fungus attacking the nervous system that causes the symptoms we have. There are many natural anti-fungals such as oregano oil and olive leaf extract.
Elana says
Thanks Marian! That is a great website. I’ve been strictly grain-free since 2001 which has helped a ton :-)
Julianne says
Hi Elana, thank you for your courageous post. Just today I was experiencing the same thoughts. (I have pyroles &MTHFR)and have gone through a multitude of health issues the past 7 years. Like you my goal every day is to be and feel the best I can be. We all have different journeys and you sharing your journey and your amazing recipes helps so many. I love your posts! Big hugs!
Elana says
Thanks for sharing Julianne, that sounds like such a challenge. I do not have pyroles, but do have the MTHFR genetic mutation so can somewhat understand what you’re going through. Big hugs to you too :-)
Teri says
Hi Elana,
It’s so heart breaking to hear that anyone is diagnosed with MS or any horrible disease. Maybe if you are willing to look into therapeutic dosing of magnesium…that could help you. Dr. Carolyn Dean has some excellent information about magnesium deficiency and MS. Please google her name and MS. She has been studying magnesium for over thirty years. Magnesium has worked wonders for me and my family.
Give it a chance and see what it can do for you! God bless
Elana says
Thanks Teri! I am taking therapeutic doses of magnesium via dermal, IV, and oral delivery systems which has been very helpful :-)
CJ says
Just wanted to see if anybody else has had any adverse reactions to increasing magnesium?…
I started taking it and it seems at times I get muscle spasms at different places in my body.
Thanks for any insight on this.
Elana says
CJ, I can only speak for myself here, but taking magnesium has reduced cramping and muscle spasms for me. Sorry I can’t be of more help with this :-)
CK White says
Thank you for sharing , we never know the struggles that others truly have. I’ve had Ankylosing Spondylitis for over thirty years and also chronic EBV. I found when I quit trying to continually”fight” this disease and surrendered to it without allowing it to own me, I finally found some sense of peace…
Elana says
Thanks for your wise words CK :-)
Yvonne says
Elana, I love your honesty. I also love your recipes.
Have you ever checked out Dr. John McDougall,MD.
He indicates his plan greatly lessens MS symptoms
and has many testimonials.
He is most happy to just talk on the phone to let you know his
thoughts on your case. I do not know him I just follow his
books, his online info, and his many successes.
Elana says
Thanks Yvonne!
Cynde Stearns says
Wow. Both of you are an encouragement to me!
Elana, I regularly thank you for your recipes – I
bought your book years ago, & it turned my health around!
So sorry for all you both are going thru, I know there are some miserable days. ? I have Myasthenia Gravis, & reactivated EBV, maybe chronic. EBV came first…
CK White, did you have EBV before ankylosing Spondylitis???
Happiness & inner strength to you…
Elana says
Thanks so much Cynde! I’m so glad we are on this healing path together :-)
Patty Moore says
Ck, I was diagnosed with ankylosis spondylitis 3years ago. I would really like to talk about your experiences with this condition. Please email me at a a2pmoore@aol.com. Thanks! Patty
Rhonda says
So many eloquent comments to your unguarded, honest post. I have nothing else to add except to say thank you for sharing your most personal thoughts. I don’t often think of the difficulty of your life because you are so positive and upbeat on your blog. Yet, when you allow your humanity to creep through the cracks, others relate and are encouraged. I have a son who has had alopecia universalis for 7 years now. I have no idea really of his own inner struggle, but this post has given me a hint of what might be in his mind. I plan to share this with him; perhaps your words will bring him some peace.
Elana says
Thanks Rhonda, I really hope they do bring him some peace :-)