I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2006. Although my life has taken many twists and turns since then, I’ve kept my chin up with my own brand of spectacularly relentless optimism.
Recently though, after taking our first family vacation in two years, I was feeling a bit down. Prior to this trip I hadn’t been well enough get on an airplane and travel much, so my husband and the boys had been vacationing without me, which I fully supported. I don’t think it makes sense for others to be deprived due to my limitations.
However, when we returned from our trip, I wasn’t feeling awesome. Some of my symptoms had increased and I felt somewhat anxious about that. I felt grumpy that instead of working out to feel good, I was digging myself out of a hole. It doesn’t really make much sense on a rational level, and yet, a lot was stirred up within me. I think travel does that to many people whether we’re dealing with chronic health issues or we’re in perfect physical shape.
In any event, to clear my head, I went down to our basement to have some quiet time. I wanted to move and stretch and do gentle yoga. As my mind cleared and my anxiety died down, I was filled with new feelings that were not familiar to me.
In my typical world outlook, everything has a reason. Even the smallest events have meaning, and my life is filled with purpose. But, for a few minutes, I let that view unravel and allowed my mind to wander. As my thoughts moved around, I wondered, what if I have this illness for no reason at all? What if I’m sick and it simply sucks? What if there are no lessons to learn? What if this isn’t supposed to make me a better person? How can I make any sense at all of the damage this disease has done to me, and by extension to my family?
For a few short minutes I let myself feel the weight of having been diagnosed with this serious neurological condition that we refer to as multiple sclerosis. I let myself truly understand the reality of it. From that I finally permitted myself to utter a silent complaint, and I fully came to terms with the fact that I don’t enjoy dealing with the limitations, complications, and baggage that hitchhike along with MS. The worst thought of the bunch swimming through my head? What if I don’t get well? Ever?!
In those few minutes, with all of those questions splashing around the ocean of my mind, it was the perfect time to stop thinking and let the tears sprout from my eyes and splatter across my face.
Then something happened. In letting go of my iron-willed optimism I was able to grieve a bit, and it felt good to be sad. It felt congruent. I had let go of some stubborn determination which was covering up anger and more than a touch of perfectionism. I had admitted to myself, that I don’t like this. In fact, I don’t like any part of it!
I’m totally ready to let go of this disease if that can happen. I work towards that end every single day in everything I do, from carving out enough time for sleep, to eating well, and getting just the right amount of exercise, along with prayer and affirmation. At the same time, I’m also ready to deal with whatever comes my way.
I’m relieved that I’m no longer forcing myself to pretend that I’m ok with the burden of this disease, because there’s nothing ok about living with a disability like MS. It’s awful for me, in ways that I will not go into here. It’s equally rough for my husband and children. They are tasked with the incongruity of watching a loved one suffer from a major illness, while carrying on with the normality of their everyday lives.
Starla says
I really enjoyed this post. Thank you for your honesty and sharing.
Elana says
You’re welcome Starla :-)
Nicole says
Thank you so much for sharing. I come to your site often now that my 9yo son has been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Since his diagnosis two months ago, I often find space for healing thoughts and heartfelt tears while practicing yoga. I can relate to that sense of peace that comes with allowing ourselves grace to grieve and be honest with our feelings and fears.
I pray for your healing. I am thankful for your website and how it has brought better health to my son (who has your paleo bread recipe memorized), and my entire family.
Elana says
Nicole, thanks for your touching comment! I loved hearing that you son has my paleo bread recipe memorized, that made my day :-)
Tabea says
Elana, thank you so much for being so honest and of such big help with your homepage. I follow you since I was diagnosed with MS in 2015 after the birth of Baby #4 and was very encouraged because of your way to deal with all of it. Since finding a new neurologist in the spring of this year I am completely symptom free. He put me on a diet low in linolenic acid (this is what omega 6 fatty acids turn into and that reinforce inflammation). You my know this but nuts are very high in linolenic acid (e.g. 100 grams of almonds contain 13 000 milligrams of linolenic acid, walnuts even 34 000). I am not supposed to consume more than 1800 milligrams of LA a day. I thought it may be of some help for you since lots of your awesome recipes include nuts.
I believe God causes all things to work together for good to those who love him, even if we don´t know or see it yet. He holds you and he may bless you.
Elana says
Thanks Tabea! I have been getting my LA tested since 2003 and it is very low thank goodness :-)
AMY KIERCE says
I’ve been a huge fan of your blog and books for years now and this is my favorite post yet. I had breast cancer and totally understand (14 year survivor :). Letting go is the best. <3
Elana says
I totally agree Amy :-)
Karis says
Just love, and so much gratitude for who you are and the work you do.
Elana says
Thanks Karis, I really appreciate your beautiful comment :-)
Lynne langmaid says
So sorry you are going through this.
Do you have a dog?
Might help
Elana says
Hi Lynne, I have a cat and she is the biggest help ever! Pets are so healing :-)
Debra says
Wow! I’m sure that took a lot of courage to share your story so publicly. I sincerely appreciate your sharing, as far too often we see only the shiniest and happiest versions of people online and wonder why we are struggling to stay so postiive and “perfect” through life’s ups and downs.
I’m glad you allowed yourself to be angry and grieve. Those emotions can be very healthy to experience and even more unhealthy to hold inside. The key is to move past those emotions toward healing. It sounds like you’re on that journey, and now you have SO MANY others on it with you. You’ve given so much to this community and now we will give back to you by keeping you in our thoughts and prayers; by sharing our stories and possible solutions towards healing. I am truly thankful for your impact in my life and wish you strength and resilience through this journey.
Elana says
Debra, thanks so much for your kind words! I’m so glad we are on this healing journey together :-)
Linda says
Debra, thank you for verbalizing what many of us feel. You said it so well. We truly appreciate Elana.
Elana says
Thanks so much to the both of you :-)
Michael Walsh says
I have never understood people who say they are better off for having had the struggle of dealing with a chronic illness. Like you I say that dealing with a chronic illness is sometimes terrible and not a blessing at all. I agree with your realization that you should do the best that you can but not to expect perfection. That attitude has worked for me and I believe it will work for you whatever challenges you face.. I was diagnosed with MS at age 27 over 39 years ago.
Elana says
Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom about living with MS Michael. I am deeply grateful for it!
Angel says
Have you read “You are the Placebo” by Dr Joe Dispenza. It is absolutely fascinating… I highly suggest it!!!
It may help you.
Elana says
Thanks Angel! That is a great book and Dr. Dispenza is one of my favorites :-)
Praveeta Rose says
Elana I follow your blog and have prepared multiple dishes from your incredibly wonderful repertoire, as all of them are delicious and as healthy as I need them to be.
I have been wanting to say this to you for a long time, but I know how annoying it can be when people are full of suggestions on what to do.
But I decided that was up to you to look into it or not.
There’s a system of healing called Colorpuncture. It is colored light applied to Chinese points, and there was a study done in Florida a few years ago with MS clients that showed a great improvement and reversal of some symptoms.
I practice this system in Texas but you live in the area where one of the most experienced practitioner lives.
You can google it and find her. But if you want more info from me just tell me.
Much love.
Elana says
Thanks Praveeta! That sounds amazing and I will look into it :-)