I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2006. Although my life has taken many twists and turns since then, I’ve kept my chin up with my own brand of spectacularly relentless optimism.
Recently though, after taking our first family vacation in two years, I was feeling a bit down. Prior to this trip I hadn’t been well enough get on an airplane and travel much, so my husband and the boys had been vacationing without me, which I fully supported. I don’t think it makes sense for others to be deprived due to my limitations.
However, when we returned from our trip, I wasn’t feeling awesome. Some of my symptoms had increased and I felt somewhat anxious about that. I felt grumpy that instead of working out to feel good, I was digging myself out of a hole. It doesn’t really make much sense on a rational level, and yet, a lot was stirred up within me. I think travel does that to many people whether we’re dealing with chronic health issues or we’re in perfect physical shape.
In any event, to clear my head, I went down to our basement to have some quiet time. I wanted to move and stretch and do gentle yoga. As my mind cleared and my anxiety died down, I was filled with new feelings that were not familiar to me.
In my typical world outlook, everything has a reason. Even the smallest events have meaning, and my life is filled with purpose. But, for a few minutes, I let that view unravel and allowed my mind to wander. As my thoughts moved around, I wondered, what if I have this illness for no reason at all? What if I’m sick and it simply sucks? What if there are no lessons to learn? What if this isn’t supposed to make me a better person? How can I make any sense at all of the damage this disease has done to me, and by extension to my family?
For a few short minutes I let myself feel the weight of having been diagnosed with this serious neurological condition that we refer to as multiple sclerosis. I let myself truly understand the reality of it. From that I finally permitted myself to utter a silent complaint, and I fully came to terms with the fact that I don’t enjoy dealing with the limitations, complications, and baggage that hitchhike along with MS. The worst thought of the bunch swimming through my head? What if I don’t get well? Ever?!
In those few minutes, with all of those questions splashing around the ocean of my mind, it was the perfect time to stop thinking and let the tears sprout from my eyes and splatter across my face.
Then something happened. In letting go of my iron-willed optimism I was able to grieve a bit, and it felt good to be sad. It felt congruent. I had let go of some stubborn determination which was covering up anger and more than a touch of perfectionism. I had admitted to myself, that I don’t like this. In fact, I don’t like any part of it!
I’m totally ready to let go of this disease if that can happen. I work towards that end every single day in everything I do, from carving out enough time for sleep, to eating well, and getting just the right amount of exercise, along with prayer and affirmation. At the same time, I’m also ready to deal with whatever comes my way.
I’m relieved that I’m no longer forcing myself to pretend that I’m ok with the burden of this disease, because there’s nothing ok about living with a disability like MS. It’s awful for me, in ways that I will not go into here. It’s equally rough for my husband and children. They are tasked with the incongruity of watching a loved one suffer from a major illness, while carrying on with the normality of their everyday lives.
Veronica says
Thanksgiving and “the holidays” are a hard time of the year when a lot of people get very emotional and “let their guard down” … I feel that way even though I grew up in a county that didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving … so I have no “perfect memories” of Thanksgiving.
Elena, you are such an inspiration for me and thousands of others … and not just in the U.S. … I truly believe that you will get your health back … because you deserve it. I just came across Andew Weil’s book “Spontaneous Healing” on my bookshelf … think I’ll read it again … because I know it does happen. Veronica
Elana says
Thanks Veronica :-)
Linda Corsetti says
Dear Elana,
Keep on keeping on! My diagnosis was 1992 and I will be taking my morning walk when I am done answering this blog. There is hope and I know for a fact that exercise, eating properly and limiting stress is mandatory. I have been taking ALA since 1995 and credit this and the many other supplements I take to my health.
God Bless You,
Linda
Elana says
Thanks so much Linda!
Judith says
I feel so connected to everything you are saying. Especially appreciate your true, heartfelt grieving the losses as you feel them. What a relief. Agree we have ‘soul contracts’ that allow us to learn and grow our soul. One of my favorite reminders comes from 12 steps which says in a few words “turn it over”. So much inner guidance comes in from that sacred space of vulnerability and trust. I know that even when it gets dark and scary you are never more near to the truth. Secrets continue to emerge and glimmer along the path when we are feeling the quiet motivator of joy and letting that be the next cookie crumb trail. Love that you include your family in everything. xo
Elana says
Awww, thanks for your incredible words Judith :-)
Susan says
I have been following your blog for years and love the simplicity of your recipes. My mother was diagnosed with MS eight years ago and I was just diagnosed this past August. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I was diagnosed and the stress almost overcame me. I have two young daughters and that gave me the strength to move on. I worry for them and pray that they don’t have to deal with this themselves. And I am sad for my mother, as she doesn’t need my diagnosis on top of her own. She inspires me, as she has been so strong, but know she has many bad days.
I was not happy was my first neurologist and have an appointment with a new neuro at an MS center tomorrow. I am scared as I don’t want to go on any medication, but know that she will most likely push it.
Your recent post touched me so much, that I felt the need to comment. I am sad that this is my new reality and feel that the future was taken away from me. I now try to focus on the present and enjoy all the good moments, You inspire so many people and know you will continue to do so.
Elana says
Susan, I am so touched by your comment as well as your vulnerability and bravery. I’m sorry that you and I both have been diagnosed with MS, but I am thankful that we are om this journey together.
Susan K. says
Susan, A good doctor will not push you to take any meds. They will make suggestions, provide information and answer every question you ask, as honestly as possible. If the new doctor pushes anything on you, you should find another doctor. (Hopefully, you live in an area with at least a few options.)
I thank God every day for my faith, my wonderful husband and family, and the internet that makes research possible! I spent hundreds of hours online, over a couple years, trying to find a diagnose for my tired legs. When it seemed that it might be MS, I still didn’t get a correct diagnosis until I saw a third neurologist. (I have Primary Progressive MS, which accounts for only 10% of MS patients.) The point being, YOU know when something is wrong, and only YOU can choose an appropriate treatment.
Anitra says
Thank you for your post. My hope is that you will receive back all of the good that you send out in the world. I am on a journey also to realize that emotions are healthy (even the negative ones) and need to be acknowledged or else they create havoc in the body. My goal is to feel sad, or any other unpleasant emotion, and then release it knowing that the process doesn’t decrease my optimism or mean that I am giving up. I highly recommend the Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley for anyone seeking ways to process emotion without allowing it to cause pain in the body.
Elana says
Thanks Anitra! I will order that book, it sounds incredible :-)
Shelley piser says
ELANA. I FOLLOW YOUR JOURNEY FROM TIME TO TIME BUT READING THIS I REMEMBER WHAT A SWEET POWERFUL SOUL YOU ARE. I AM GLAD THAT YOU ARE STILL RETURNING TO YOGA. IT DOES EQUALIZE OUR MIND TO BRING US TO A HARMONIOUS TRUTH SOMETIMES. AN ACCEPTABLE TRUTH. I HOPE SOMEDAY OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AGAIN
SHELLEY
Elana says
Thanks Shelley! As you of course you know, I’ve been practicing yoga since 1992, and it is such an important part of my life. I hope our paths cross again too :-)
Tina Neswick says
I am so happy to hear that those were nothe just my thoughts !! I have had MS since I was 20 right after my birthday and that was almost 26 years ago!!! I have done real well for the most part but as I get older I am slowing down quite a bit…..I too am very type A and optimistic but it is really hard when things go bad. I have taken the MS drugs and they do not work for me…..my body is really sensitive and I have refused to take many of the drugs they wanted me to.. … I hope this site is therapeutic for you as I know it is for others!!! Thank you so mich!! God will use you and is using you to shape your boys ? God bless you!!!
Elana says
Thanks for sharing a bit of your story Tina. I’m so glad we are on this journey together :-)
Kris says
As I read your blog….I felt you came away with more of a sense and determination toward your disease. . You are dealing with a real horrible illness…but you are aware of how you can come to terms with it and/or make any sense of it. . I have followed your blog for years and I love your cooking. You and other low carb type bloggers have helped me lose over 55 pounds! I have been a fan and am forever grateful for your food and ideas on being healthy. You have much to give and I hope you can find strength and comfort knowing your words and food give so many of us hope….. you are always in my prayers….God bless you..
Elana says
Thanks so much Kris! And now you are in mine :-)
Pearl McFarland says
I don’t normally write out a comment, but your sharing has spoken to me.
There is a ministry in Georgia where people go to be prayed for for miraculous healing. I knew a woman who was healed through prayer from her mood disorders, as well as another who was healed of cancer. I know that it sounds like hocus pocus, but many people who participate are at their wits end with some sickness or allergy or whatever else ails them.
Here is a testimony page:
http://www.iamchanged.com
http://www.beinhealth.com
The ministry is “Be in Health” and they wrote a book called “A More Excellent Way” that people have said leads them into divine healing without having to make the trip to Georgia. I have it on my shelf, but it has collected dust over the years because it is such a large volume. However, what I have read is very intriguing.
I’m so sorry you have to struggle with MS. I believe God loves you and doesn’t want you to be in pain or have your family watch you suffer. If we love our own children would we ever wish on them pain and suffering? No. And you are God’s daughter, and he doesn’t want you to suffer either. One way or another, I believe he wants to see you happy and healthy.
Thank you for blessing all of us with your thoughts and recipes and everything you do rnd up sharing. If the websites are not helpful, that is okay. You should only look into them if you arr comfortable with that idea.
You are a wonderful woman from what I can tell, and I hope you find healing one way or another.
Sincerely, Pearl
Elana says
Thanks Pearl! I am so touched by your comment and really appreciate your suggestion :-)
Judith Fine-Sarchielli says
Your honesty and courage is inspiring. Miracles happen! I wish you many miracles!
Elana says
Thanks Judith! Agreed :-)